A Different Reality
by AstralMiscreant
Summary: He was angry that she made him fall in love with her. Angry that he could never love her under the circumstances they were in. In a fundamental way, they would always be enemies. She was a soldier and he was a warrior. It could never be. A different take on AoT. Bertholdt/Mikasa.
1. Chapter 1: Oh, Universe

**Chapter One: Oh, Universe**

* * *

Bertholdt had been biding his time again, feigning practice in the training fields to get away from his comrades. He wasn't too keen on all the rapport talk and building too many unnecessary connections as it was. Thus, he found himself distancing away from most of his fellow soldiers for the majority of the time here.

Reiner, much to his dismay, happily befriended everyone left and right—anyone who so as much as had a pulse and could breathe air. He knew that any of that would be an act done so in vain.

They had a mission to fulfill first and foremost and any sort of relationships unwittingly established by any of them would lead to a compromised mission. They've worked so hard from the beginning they left their village and Marley would have their heads if they failed the mission.

Just thinking about how much the mission was taking a toll on his mental state made him frown in spite of himself. He grit his teeth thinking about how much worse Reiner was at coping with the amount of burdens they had to bare. The man was dissociating between two different realities for God's sake.

The thought made him sweat profusely again, he could feel the anxiety dripping off his psyche with each drop as he gripped on his swords. Now he found himself stuck in a staring match with one of the training dummies as he pondered their unfortunate circumstances.

Standing in the middle of the training fields having a psuedo-mental breakdown, _that's when he first met her._

"That's not how you hold your swords," he heard a voice mutter out between the silence. It was a stoic voice with the familiar lilt belonging to that of a woman.

He trembled even more as he realized not only had someone witnessed him in such a volatile state, but a woman no less. He was never too good at speaking to anyone of the opposite sex and he found himself sweating even more.

Bertholdt shakily turned towards the voice and he felt as if he could die right then and there. He never had any real experience in speaking to girls, much less ones as pretty as this one. He was just about well enough to have a heart attack right at that moment.

"I-I'm sorry," He stuttered out in disbelief. "U-Um, I didn't, well, I-I...um, I didn't know you were around. I—"

Mikasa Ackerman stood across him in just within an arm's length of distance. Her visage was solemn and devoid of any particular emotion just as usual and she was geared up in her soldier's uniform. She gave him a strange look as if to state the obvious. "I'm always training. So, I'm always here."

The girl, whom he noticed from his many silent observations, was always a woman of very few words, something he could very much appreciate as opposed to the other two that completed that trio.

Eren was always boisterous and found every opportunity to scream his head off, whereas Armin, though a tad bit quieter than his counterpart still managed to talk more often than not. Mikasa, on the other hand, barely spoke.

She was as silent as she was dangerous, causing him to tread lightly whenever he so happened to cross her path. She was deadly. Her speech during their last mission when she called everyone out on being "spineless cowards" after Eren almost died showed him just a little glimpse at just how powerful she could be.

She was their class' top-ranked soldier, a beast on the battlefield that even made Annie shiver in fear. To know that this was how he would first meet her with him under tremendous anxiety made the embarrassment all too worse.

"O-Oh, well I was just—" Bertholdt began, trying to form some sort of response from the jumble of incoherent thoughts that was currently his brain. The truth was, he had no words.

"You hold the swords like this," Mikasa affirmed before placing her cold hands over his trembling fingers to move his sword placement.

At this point, Bertholdt was having a panic attack. Sweat continued to drip down his temples as he felt her small, calloused hands glide over his own. His heart was palpitating in a maddening rhythm and his face grew hot.

Skin-to-skin, he could feel her lithe fingers hovering over his before the warmth had left altogether leaving his hands cold. He wondered idly to himself why a sudden feeling of emptiness bloomed within his chest and why he secretly wished the warmth to return.

She stepped back to survey her handiwork. "There," she said with a slight smile. "That's how you hold your swords."

"Um, thanks," he replied in all politeness, trying to recollect what semblance of dignity he had left from such an embarrassing encounter. "I, um...Well, my hands always get a little shaky, sorry."

He caught a glimpse of her smoldering grey eyes, before quickly averting his gaze and lowering his head—both in an attempt to disguise the blush that had spread across his cheeks and to hide his shame.

Suddenly her outstretched hand came into his field of vision and she indicated for him to shake it. Gingerly, Bertholdt complied feeling how oddly comforting her cold hands felt in his. It made him feel warm again.

"My name is Mikasa Ackerman," she introduced herself as if he hadn't already known. They had been training altogether in the same squadron for two years now and she hadn't even spoken a word to him up until graduation. Perhaps she just never noticed him before. After all, people tended to do that anyways.

"My, uh, name's Bertholdt, uh...Bertholdt Hoover. Nice to meet you," he replied as he shook her hand gently. Her grip was strong and firm, but he expected that much as she was rumored to be one of the strongest soldiers of their generation, or so he heard. The thought in it of itself made him shiver.

Her eyes flashed as if in slight surprise as she seemed to piece the puzzle together. "Ah, Hoover? You must be the cadet that ranked third in our class, am I correct?"

She'd only ever noticed him because of his shaky hands. Those large, trembling hands that would hold a sword like a child unfit for battle.

Unremarkable and always blending in the background like a wallflower, it was a surprise she ever noticed him. But it was those damn hands.

It irked her to know that those very same hands that seemed so little experienced in holding a sword much less any weapon at all, managed to snag the third rank in their 104th squadron. So when she caught him training on one of the few rare occasions in which Reiner was absent from his side, of course she had to fix it. It was her only opportunity to.

"Y-Yes, I am...er, I did."

He watched nervously as her eyes narrowed in the slightest. "Knowing our rank, we will most likely see one another on field missions often. We're comrades, so please feel free to ask me if you ever need help. I'll see you around," she finished off rather stoically before ambling away, 3DM gear clanking against her sides with each step.

That was the first time they met and his impression of her at that very moment was a mixture of fear, awe, and fascination. So caught up in the flurry of emotions, he had forgotten to bid her farewell in her departure.

Had he known what he knew now, he would have never even spoken to her in that first encounter...


	2. Chapter 2: To Fight a Soldier

**Chapter Two: To Fight a Soldier**

* * *

"We'll be doing a one-on-one combative rotational, so I'll have to pair you mutts with one another and whomever yields first will rotate with another soldier and so on and so forth," Shadis barked at the row of scouts lined in tandem with one another.

Already used to his belligerent voice, the scouts, save for a few weak-willed, did not cower under the man's shouts. Like statues, they took in their directives while the training corps instructor began to pair each one of them for their combat simulation.

Though they had already graduated, the training corps instructor would be delegated, once in a blue moon, to keep the soldiers on their toes whenever new missions were still in the process of being filed out. Usually, this was Levi Ackerman's duty, but the man in question had been missing for days as he was currently drawing up new plans with the commander.

"Ackerman and Hoover!" Mikasa heard the man shout and like every obeying subordinate, she followed the man's orders and sauntered towards her fellow soldier. She could hear the others whispering in rejoice at not getting sacked with her as a partner and remorse for the unlucky boy who would be on the receiving end of her attacks. She could not care any less.

She observed in slight fascination as the boy jumped slightly at her arrival. For such a tall man, he quivered like a docile mouse every time she saw him. It was an odd paradox.

"Bertholdt, right?" She acknowledged him with an inquisitive look trying to make sure that she was correct in remembering his name.

He nodded his head and she sighed in relief.

"Jaeger and Braun!" They heard Shadis yell and Mikasa averted her attention towards the other two in question.

With a frown, she watched as Eren and the burly boy prepared themselves in combative stances. She supposed she was to do the same, but she really didn't want to fight the boy before her. He seemed all too timid and undeserving of a hard punch to the face. She felt bad.

"What are you doing?" Shadis bellowed as he walked past them. "Ackerman, Hoover, don't just stand there—fight!"

As if a switch had been flipped, she quickly returned her focus towards Bertholdt who looked none too happy that he was paired with her. Already, she could see him breaking into a nervous sweat as he lowered his stance to commence their drill.

Shaking her previous thoughts away and allowing instinct to take over, Mikasa charged towards him in one swift movement, before knocking him down in a flurry.

She heard him grunt under the sudden attack and before he could even gather his bearings and retaliate, she had already forced him into an armlock and flipped him over. He fell with a loud thud but quickly stood up.

"Ah, that hurt," he muttered mostly to himself.

Mikasa frowned again. She felt sorry for tossing him around like this, but orders were orders—and she was never one to hold back on an opponent based on pretense. Even Eren would be knocked out within seconds and she would not think twice about it despite their history. But perhaps she could hold back just a little, just this once.

She allowed him to recollect himself and charge at her and this time they were now engaging in an exchange of punches and kicks. She dodged the majority of his, but each time he would manage to land a blow on her, Mikasa would continue to fight unflinchingly. In the same manner, Bertholdt had been absorbing most of her blows, getting knocked down quite a few times more.

Clearly, Mikasa was toying with him as her hits were less severe than her first ones.

"Please don't hold back," she heard him murmur as she dodged one of his kicks.

"Who says I am?" She countered before lowering herself to crouch and kicking him at a low angle causing him to loose his footing and fall.

"I know—" he grunted as he stood up,"—you are. I-I can tell. You sent Reiner flying before, you tossed him like he was nothing more than a sack of rice...So, please don't hold back..."

Mikasa sighed and charged at him again, but this time with more force as was habitual of her instincts. She punched him in the face and grabbed ahold of his shoulder in a vice-like grip. She used this to bring momentum in her movements as she spun around and landed her foot on his back causing him to wince in pain. However, the boy managed to grab ahold of her arm and throw her off of him. She somersaulted back to blunt the impact as she landed on her feet.

Slightly surprised, she paused for a second before charging again, this time with no restraints. Tackling him to the floor headfirst, Mikasa brought him into a figure-four chokehold encircling his neck and his arms with her arms and legs. She squeezed tightly and she could hear him struggling for air as his joints popped each time she tightened her hold.

"Yield," she commanded.

He did not respond, so she tightened her hold even more. _"Yield."_

Finally, with what little strength he had left, she saw him gingerly bring his hand up in submission and she let him go.

She stood above him with a blank expression, watching as his hands instinctively flew towards his neck once she let go. He was wheezing, gasping for air and she could see that tears had collected in the corners of his eyes and that a trail of saliva had ran down the side of his mouth.

Above his eye, an open gash with a trail of blood ran down all the way to the side of his face. Mikasa winced at this before crouching down to level with him.

She placed her hand on the side of his face and his blood stained her fingers. His hand immediately shot up towards the cut, hovering over her own hand and covering his eye. She let go only to move her hands to the side of his face.

"Are you alright?" She questioned, suddenly feeling slightly bad for having inflicted physical injuries upon the boy.

"I-I think so..." he mumbled as she helped him to sit up.

Mikasa continued to expect his face, turning it slightly as her hands cupped the side of his cheeks. She did not know that she would hurt him as acutely as she did. Now she felt a little awful. "I'm...I'm sorry," she whispered before helping him up by throwing his arm over her shoulder and hoisting him on his feet.

Bertholdt stared at her with wide eyes as if startled before he gave her a wry smile. "Uh, no worries. It'll always heal," he said in good nature.

At this point, Shadis had noticed and had appeared by their side with a stern face. The older man quickly surveyed the damage before sending them off to the barracks where the medical supply tent had been nestled in.

Mikasa had helped him there the whole way allowing him to use her as support seeing as his legs were giving out on him. She set him down on a chair once they made it into the medical supply and proceeded to search for a first-aid kit.

"I didn't know that I would cause that much damage," she admitted almost sadly while rummaging through the cupboards.

"It's fine. Like I said, it'll always heal. It was my fault anyway, I told you not to hold back," Bertholdt tried to reassure her as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

She noticed that he had kept his hand over his eye the entire time since she inspected it. It must have hurt.

"But still..."

Reaching towards the last cabinet, she finally found a first aid kit and ambled towards him to kneel. "Here, let me see it," she said before reaching towards the hand cupping his gash. He flinched away, halting her in her ministrations.

"I-I, uh, can do it myself," he reasoned before turning away from her with a flushed face. "It's...um, sensitive, my eye."

Mikasa frowned as her eyebrows knitted together. She felt terrible at having severely hurt him in a simple sparring match and the fact that he was refusing her help made her...sad. He noticed the look of melancholy growing on her countenance and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"If you want, you can help me bandage my other cuts?" He offered with an unsure smile.

"Other cuts?" Her eyes widened.

"I feel some cuts all around my arms and legs, I think...We can check after I wrap my eye."

"Oh," Mikasa frowned. "Okay..."

She watched as he pulled some rolls of gauze, wrapping tape, and antiseptic from the first-aid kit.

"Could you, um...do you mind if you could, uh, cut the gauze up into smaller pieces?" He questioned sheepishly.

With a nod of her head, Mikasa took the roll in his hand and began to cut it into pieces. Bertholdt wet a piece of cotton with antiseptic and turned away from her as his hand uncovered the gash so he could clean it. She handed him a piece of gauze enough to fit above his cut and he pressed it upon the laceration and turned back to her.

"Could you cut me a piece of bandage as well?"

Having already done so, she quickly handed him the adhesive and he used it to tape the gauze in place.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she nodded again before leveling him with a serious look. "Now, take your shirt off."

He squeaked some unintelligible noise before scooting away from her. Sweat started to accumulate at his forehead again and he gawked at her as if he were a frightened child.

"We have to inspect your body for the other cuts," she said bluntly.

"O-Okay," he replied sounding almost uncertain before tentatively removing his shirt. She winced at the sight that met her eyes. Bertholdt was practically bruised all over with black and blue contusions spreading across his shoulders, his chest, and all the way to his arms.

His cheeks flushed and the heat ran all the way towards his ears and neck as she placed her hand on his shoulder and proceeded to look him over.

"You're right. You do have quite a few cuts."

She traced some of the cuts over his body to gauge the placement and what to apply, but she noticed at how much he shuddered at her touch. With a mumbled apology at the gesture, Mikasa began to meticulously clean and patch up each and every cut. Once she was done Bertholdt threw his shirt back on and they sat next to one another basking in the quietude of the tent.

"Why did you hold back?" Bertholdt queried breaking the silence.

"I didn't," Mikasa replied tersely.

"Yes you did. Your first hits were...hard. And once I fell, you started to withdraw your attacks. It's like you would go in for a punch, but draw back and...I don't know..."

Mikasa remained silent for a moment before clearing her throat. "I felt bad."

"What?"

"I didn't really want to hurt you."

"But you're supposed to. It's sparring drills. You know that, right?"

"Of course I did. I'm not stupid."

"I-I didn't call you s-stupid," Bertholdt stammered, mortified.

"Well, I knew what we were supposed to do. I knew that we were engaging in sparring drills. I knew it, alright? I just didn't want to hurt you."

"Why?"

"Can you blame me? You're so...you."

"What does that even mean?"

Mikasa stood up in a huff before glowering down at the boy. "You just wouldn't understand," she sighed before looking at the door and already readying herself to make a swift exit. "Look, your hand-to-hand combative skills are...subpar to say the least. Judging on your rank, I suppose we'll be put on field missions together more often than not. If you're going to be working with me, you should shape up. I can help you out if you need my help."

Bertholdt's expression made her frown. He looked offended, shocked, and above all, speechless. Mikasa was used to those kind of looks by now as people tended to respond that way each time she attempted to even put her two cents in when conversing. Her words were always straightforward, blunt. She was never one for eloquently putting together any lengthy patterns of speech.

With one last nod in acknowledgement Mikasa excused herself. "I'll see you around," she muttered before leaving the boy still gawking on his chair.


	3. Chapter 3: A Hideaway

**Chapter Three: A Hideaway**

* * *

He couldn't stop staring at her.

Across the dining hall, he would have barely looked her way all those times before. Most of the time, he would shoot her curious glances just because she was so close to Jaeger.

Reiner had always made it a point that they keep an eye on the boy whose self-professed rage at all titans was almost insatiable. He was the coordinate after all.

But now, all he could do was look past the boy in question and stare at his other companion. He didn't know why he was so intrigued.

Mikasa was blunt, scathingly so, and she had a way of strewing poisonous words that should hurt him—but didn't. Despite all her shortcomings, she was beautiful, objectively speaking. In a physical manner, yes, but also in the way she fought.

It amazed Bertholdt at how she could spin around the air and do somersaults around him. It was like she knew some ancient dance, some breathtaking piece of secrecy that he would never be privy to. It was beautiful.

And she really did have nice hair. Jean wouldn't shut up about it, but now he was really beginning to understand what the fuss was all about.

During training the other day, he was afraid of her. She managed to beat him down with ease, the bruises and aching limbs were every indication of this. But for some odd reason that was completely beyond him, he didn't mind at all. He didn't mind her insults. He didn't mind that she thought of him as inferior to her—because it was true.

Maybe it was the sympathy she showed him during training. She looked genuinely concerned that she had done a number on him and even took the time to bring him into the medical supply tent.

When she cleaned and patched up his wounds, she took the utmost care in making sure he felt comfortable. No one had ever done that for him before. Sure, Reiner would bandage him up here and there, but the other boy was inherently rougher. Not as caring. Not as compassionate.

It was Mikasa's compassion that drew him to her.

He remembered the feeling of her cold hands as they traveled across his shoulders, his chest. Never had he felt so strung up in that moment and it did things to him that he didn't know were possible.

That's why he couldn't stop staring at her. He was transfixed.

"You okay?" Reiner asked as he looked up from his meal. Bertholdt noticed his friend's eyes shifting back and forth from Mikasa to him. "You must be pissed, I was too when she flung me across the training fields during our cadet training. That girl's strength is savage."

"Huh?" Bertholdt furrowed his brows before realizing that Reiner had noticed him staring. "Oh, I mean I guess."

"Don't take it to heart. She beats the shit out of anyone. I bet if a commander asked her to, she'd beat the shit out of a baby without thinking twice."

"Well, I'm not mad at her. Not really..."

"Hm, but you've been glaring daggers at her since she walked into the dining hall with Eren and Armin."

"I was? I didn't mean to."

Reiner chuckled before taking a bite of his bread. "I think she's noticed too. She looks like she doesn't want to be here."

Bertholdt began to sweat in nervousness as he glanced towards her again. She did look a bit put-off. Did she look that way because she thought he was scowling at her? Now he felt bad.

"Should I apologize to her?" He questioned bashfully.

"Nah, she deserves it. She cut your eye, man. It's one thing to toss a guy around during training, but it's another thing when you cause physical damage. If I were you, I would've been mad as hell."

"But I'm not."

"Eh, I'm not surprised. You're too nice, Bertholdt."

"I guess..."

By then, Reiner was already switching the conversation by ranting on about how Christa smiled at him in the hallway or something of the sort and the topic of Mikasa disappeared as ephemerally as it was brought up.

Bertholdt could only stare at his food in boredom before sneaking one last glance at the raven-haired girl who had been consuming most of his thoughts.

He sighed and shoved a piece of bread in his mouth.

* * *

After dinner, Reiner ditched him to talk to Christa and Ymir, leaving Bertholdt to wander the castle walls all by himself.

The halls were dimly lit, only shining enough to cast an orange glow across the brick walls. It gave an eery aura to the scouting legion's facility, but he didn't mind all too much. He continued to walk aimlessly through the halls, too consumed with his thoughts to go to bed.

Bertholdt felt as if he was still strung up like a tightly wounded wire. His mind was buzzing with a myriad thoughts, namely Mikasa's insults the other day of how she thought his "combative skills subpar to say the least," or in other words...weak.

Without realizing it, Bertholdt had accidentally bumped into someone while turning a corner and he only registered this once he found himself on his haunches. He looked around to search for the person whom he clashed into to mumble a string of apologies before noticing a familiar red scarf glimmering in the light.

He broke into another nervous sweat once he was met with a piercing grey gaze.

"M-Mikasa, I'm sorry!" He spluttered before helping her up.

He watched as she dusted herself off and offered him a wry smile that made his stomach flutter. "Bertholdt, I've been meaning to talk to you," she said solemnly.

"You have?"

"Yes, I was looking for you. I saw you at the dining hall and..." she paused before shuffling lightly on her feet as if embarrassed. "Are you angry with me?"

"N-No...Why would you think that?"

"I saw you staring at me earlier, for quite awhile, actually. You looked...unhappy."

Bertholdt began to shake his head in embarrassment. "I'm not mad at you, I swear! I was just staring because..." he had to give her a reason, he had to save face. "I was staring at you because...I was thinking, um, about what you told me."

At least what he told her was somewhat truthful.

A look of relief washed over her features before she quirked her brow. "You were?"

"Yeah...I think you're right. I suck at hand-to-hand combat, it's a surprise that I've even made it this far. I honestly don't even know how I managed to rank."

"Well, you're not that bad," she remarked while mulling his words over. "I just said you needed...improvement. I'm sorry if that offended you."

"Oh, no, not at all! You were right."

"But still..."

He gave her a sympathetic look and she dropped the topic altogether.

Mikasa looked over her shoulder as if to make sure no one was around to eavesdrop. Then the girl reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder. "I was actually strolling the castle grounds myself. Would you like to join me?" She asked casually.

"S-Sure," he replied trying in vain to keep his cool. "Why not?"

Internally, a warning sign that indicated that he was treading dangerous lines was silently ringing in the back of his conscious. It didn't go unnoticed that Mikasa, all pretenses aside, could easily take this opportunity to kill him within seconds.

Maybe she figured it all out and wanted to use this as a front to corner him and take him out. Maybe all that compassion was some carefully crafted facade to break down his barriers.

But then again, he knew even that small possibility was more delusional than it was truthful.

The sirens were going off in his head because a pretty girl, moreover, a painfully attractive girl that had been the focus of his thoughts for the past few days was asking him to join her...alone.

He followed her through the halls as they made their way throughout the castle. The path she had veered off of had been unfamiliar and he peered up at her in curiosity each time she took yet another turn leading them into foreign grounds.

"You're probably wondering where we are," she remarked knowingly.

"Yeah...I've never seen these parts of the castle before."

"It's a huge place, I'm not surprised. A lot of the other scouts don't either, but I've had my fair share of exploration around the facility and discovered some shortcuts all around."

"Really? Do you, Eren, and Armin do this all the time?"

"No, I go alone. Most of the times when I do stroll the grounds, it's because I try to take some time away from them. They have no idea about the layout of this place."

"Oh, that's surprising to hear..." he said in all honesty.

"What? Did you think that I'm always glued to their sides?" she chuckled slightly and he could see her eyes twinkling under the dim lantern lights. The boy felt his cheeks heating up as she continued to laugh softly.

"No...I just...I'm surprised is all..."

Giving him an odd look Mikasa turned another corner. "Did you know the castle has secret passages running all throughout?"

"No way..."

"Yes, I was walking through the halls one day and I noticed that the pattern on the bricks were slightly off," she said as she halted in front of a dead end and proceeded to run her hand on the wall. "Notice how each brick is stacked in a pattern of nine, making a unique rowlock? Well, right in the middle there's an extra brick."

"So...?"

"So, it has ten bricks on this particular row."

"Okay, so what does that mean?"

Abruptly, Mikasa had grabbed his hand and his heart flew into palpitations from the contact. She placed his hand on the brick and gave him a coaxing look. "Pull the brick out," she instructed him and he followed her orders without question.

The brick slipped out easily once he applied a little pressure and he was surprised to see that a hatch appeared in its place. Mikasa tugged on it and the whole wall seemed to open as if it were a door.

"Woah," He gasped, amazed. "You've got, uh, a keen eye to even notice that. Who would've thought there'd be a door?"

Mikasa smiled before fitting the brick back in its place and grabbing one of the lanterns that had been lighting the halls. She gestured for him to follow her.

They entered the threshold and he was met with what looked like a deep tunnel that followed into a gaping blackness.

"There are channels that run along the entire castle serving as secret passages. They lead to various rooms, like the dining hall and even the commander's office. I'm sure our superiors are aware of these channels, but I don't think they use them at all."

Bertholdt whistled in awe as he looked around the tunnels with cautious eyes.

"There's this place that I found a while back, its where I usually go off to when I want to hide away from everyone," Mikasa admitted as she began to lead him towards another pathway.

"Why?" Was all he could think of. This was a new side of her that he had never known. She was always surrounded by people, constantly with Jaeger and Arlert, never by herself. He wondered why she would want to hide away from it all.

Mikasa halted in her footsteps and turned towards him. "Why?" She repeated.

"...Why would you want to hide away?"

She paused to ponder his words for a moment. "Well, I suppose...You understand, don't you? I like being alone, just like you. To be able to just be by yourself without constantly being reminded that we're living through a life and death situation. That there's an infinitesimal possibility that we could die any second living in this...this hell."

"I didn't know that's how you felt..."

"Doesn't everyone?" She questioned incredulously. "We all know what we've signed ourselves up for. Being reminded by it, day by day...It's always constant. Sometimes I wish everyone could just shut up for a moment and forego any meaningless words. That's why...That's why I try to get away, I like being alone. Don't you?"

"Yes, I do..."

They were silent for a moment as they continued on their path.

Bertholdt chuckled a humorless laugh. "Well, I suppose being together sort of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?"

"Well, I like being alone. But, I don't mind being alone with you."

Bertholdt flushed and turned away from her, avoiding her gaze. Did she understand the implications of such a simple phrase? For all her bluntness, Mikasa was remarkably candid. It seemed she just said what was on her mind, no filters, no pretenses.

"You don't talk much and I appreciate that," she continued. "I suppose that's why I don't mind being in your company."

"I guess I just don't have much to say..." he finally countered.

Mikasa flashed a genuine smile this time, one that had made his toes curl and his heart beat at twice its normal rate. "Well, looks like we might just be the same."

"Yeah, I guess so."

They smiled at one another, sharing a mutual understanding that went beyond words. In the silence of the night, the castle grounds never seemed so welcoming at that very moment.


	4. Chapter 4: Once in a Blue Moon

**Chapter Four: Once in a Blue Moon**

* * *

It was nighttime again.

The rest of the scouts were just about ready to prepare for bed, but Bertholdt had something else in mind. He was waiting outside the dining hall seeing as Reiner left to turn in for the night.

Dressed in his civilian clothes, Bertholdt continued to wait patiently as the halls were noticeably becoming emptier as other scouts headed off to their rooms.

He felt a light tap on his shoulder and quickly spun around. With her usual stoic expression, Mikasa waved at him in acknowledgment.

"I didn't think you'd actually take me up on another offer," she said in greeting before letting her lips quirk into a light smile. It had been weeks since they first took an evening stroll together around the castle and since then, they had been doing it occasionally whenever they had the time. The other day, Mikasa had asked him if he would accompany her the next night, and he agreed—not really knowing what exactly her invitation entailed.

"I, uh, thought it'd be nice to walk around again. I like talking to you..." he admitted a little flustered.

"Well, I actually had something different in mind—"she reached in her jacket before procuring two cloaks that were neatly folded and tossed one to him "—here, you'll need this."

A bit perplexed, Bertholdt caught the cloak and examined it. "Why?"

"I've been marking the lunar calendar and trying to observe each phase of the moon and tonight, I believe there will be a blue moon. So, I wanted to go to the forest to see it," she replied nonplussed.

"W-What? Are you serious?"

"Yes." Suddenly, Mikasa had grasped his hand as if it were the most normal thing in the world and proceeded to lead him through the halls. He knew he should've given more of a protest, he knew he shouldn't have continued to follow her; but he simply could not bring it upon himself to do it.

"Don't you think we might get in trouble?"

"There's a possibility."

"What if we get caught?" He was desperate now.

"We won't."

Suddenly, he felt her shoving him from behind and covering his mouth as they retreated into the shadows.

At that moment, a mantra played within his head. He thought he was going to die. He was sure that one of humanity's strongest soldiers was going to kill him right then and there. He was going to die. He was going to die. He was going to...

"Major! That's dangerous!" He heard someone scream from beyond the opposite side of the hallway.

That was when he realized just exactly why she had abruptly shoved him into a corner.

Just up ahead from their position, squad leader Hange and her assistant Moblit were ambling down the hallway. From what he could deduce from the heated exchange of words, they were bantering yet again.

"All I'm saying Major, is that it's not safe to keep close-range contact with those titans. One day, you might just lose a limb!" He heard Moblit cry out in exasperation.

"Eh, it can't be helped. Proximity is just apart of the job," Hange laughed in response. "It's all in the name of research! And besides, I think Bean is warming up to me."

Soon, their voices disappeared down the hallway and once there was complete silence, Mikasa stepped out from the shadows and let go of him.

"That was close," she sighed before continuing on.

"S-See? We could've got caught!" He tried to reason.

Grabbing ahold of his hand again, Mikasa continued to tug him down the halls. "But we didn't, so don't worry about it, Bertl," she reassured softly.

At the sound of his nickname on her tongue, he completely shut up. The way she said his name was lovely to his ears, something about the way it danced on her lips. He wanted to hear her say it again.

Bertholdt was aware that this...whatever it is that they had, was dangerous to say the least. He was growing attached to her and this sort of attachment would compromise his merit as a warrior. He wasn't like Reiner, he couldn't protect himself by separating the truth from his reality.

But Mikasa... she was the only thing that seemed right in this life. He knew that he shouldn't drop his guard, to let her so easily break down his barriers with what little stability they had. But there was something about her that he couldn't shake off.

When she spoke to him, it was as if her voice was the only thing he could hear in a sea of a myriad noises. When she smiled, his heart would beat in a maddening rhythm close enough to make him feel an adrenaline rush. When she held his hand, it made his skin itch with need.

He didn't understand what she was doing to him and he was afraid he was going to get himself into trouble if he kept acting alone on his impulses.

"Now, come on," she coaxed him forward, breaking him out of his reverie, as the castle entrance was nearing their view. "We don't have all night."

He blinked at her, trying to recollect his senses, before nodding for her to proceed.

When they finally exited the castle grounds, he was relieved to feel the cool rush of evening air blow across his face. With little protest left on his conscious, he allowed Mikasa to continue to lead him ahead and into the darkness.

They snuck into the supply room, a storage unit just outside the castle's barbican. Taking some 3D maneuvering gear with them, they left the room just as quickly as they entered.

From then on, they traveled through the trees with ease. They spoke occasionally, but for the most part, allowed a comfortable silence to envelop them.

Mikasa halted in her path once they made it past a clearing that gave way to an expansive view of the fields and just above it, the moon glimmered like a scintillating gem in the blank sheet of the night sky.

She sighed in awe as she nestled herself between one of the highest points of a set of tree branches and Bertholdt could only marvel at the wonder that filled her grey eyes. She turned towards him and reached her hand out for him to grab ahold, pulling him up to sit next to her.

"You know, you're pretty good at using the 3DM gear," she commented lightly. "No one else could keep up with me, but you've managed to stay by my side the entire time."

"Thank you...I guess I just know how to balance myself."

She exhaled deeply, eyes still fixated on the eery glow of the moon up above. "I'm going to be honest, I used to think that you didn't deserve to be ranked in the top ten."

"W-What?"

"I know, I know—it was wrong of me to even make such assumptions. But, it was the way you held your swords, it was as if you never touched a weapon in your life."

"Well, that makes me feel a whole lot better..."

"No, you didn't let me finish," she argued as she put her finger on his lips to shush him. "I used to think you didn't deserve it, but then I realized that you've got all the potential to warrant the third rank. Even enough to make you second. Reiner is extremely talented as a cadet, but...even though everyone says you're weaker than him, I don't believe it at all."

"Really?"

Mikasa smiled at him before placing her hand atop of his. He could feel the rush of heat rising from his finger tips all the way to his cheeks.

"I do. I think you're a great soldier and I hope I get to fight alongside you when the time comes."

His heartbeat quickened once more and he felt himself smiling from ear-to-ear.

"I hope so too," he replied without thinking.

The moonlight shone on their silhouettes, basking them in its glorious beams and he felt like nothing could ever compare to this moment.


	5. Chapter 5: Baptize Your Tears

**Chapter Five: Baptize Your Tears and Dry Your Eyes**

* * *

When their nightly strolls became more frequent, they used that time to learn more about each other.

At first, Mikasa tried to justify their meetings by simple coincidence due to their friends leaving them behind and Bertholdt followed along with that idea. However, when the nightly strolls turned into morning encounters and even lunches together, they could no longer justify these interactions through mere chance alone.

Mikasa, loathe she admit, was growing fond of the boy.

He was a bumbling mess when she initially met him, but as she began to learn more about him, she realized that he was simply shy.

He lacked in any form of finesse, broke into nervous sweats, and had anxiety problems that were still a bit difficult to fully comprehend. Yet, despite all of these perceived shortcomings, the boy had a quiet brilliance to him.

He listened to her and offered insightful advice without complaint—something she was wholly unused to.

She was beginning to understand why the others saw him as a caring elderly brother figure, because he was just that. But what bothered her was the fact that she could not relate to that narrative. He was caring, kind; but an older brother? No, not really.

She found herself in his company yet again, this time they were put under cleaning duty.

The scouts would rotate each week based on a roster created by Captain Levi himself and today, Mikasa, Eren, Sasha, Jean, Reiner, and Bertholdt were delegated to clean different parts of the castle.

Coincidentally, Levi grouped Mikasa with Bertholdt on laundry duty. They were to wash and patch up all of their fellow comrade's clothes—from their shirts right down to their socks. It was one of the less taxing duties, however that did not mean it was any less tedious.

The washing grounds were located outside of the castle where a spring of water ran from the forest and towards the castle's rear.

Mikasa decided that they would divide their duties, she would do the washing and he would do the sewing since he knew how to do it much better than her. But things had not gone according to plan as they ended up doing everything together while using their time to converse in leisure.

They sat next to one another side by side as they hand washed each and every piece of garment they collected earlier in the morning.

"This reminds me of when I was a kid and I would wash clothes with my mother," Bertholdt mentioned nostalgically as he scrubbed one of Connie's shirts between his hands.

Mikasa looked up from her own work and smiled at him. "I used to do this a lot with Mrs. Jaeger. Sunday was laundry day, so every Sunday morning, she would wake me up and we'd eat breakfast or go to the market together. After that we'd dedicate the rest of the day doing the laundry. Those were the times I got to spend time with her all day," she muttered sadly. "I miss her..."

"Mrs. Jaeger...That's Eren's mother, right?"

"Yes, I'm sure Eren told you about her."

Bertholdt nodded before giving her a sympathetic look. "Have you always been with them? Eren's family, I mean..."

"No, I used to live with my mother and father on a farm in the Shinganshina district where Wall Maria was until I was nine. They were killed when some traffickers broke into our house...They wanted to kidnap my mother and I."

He kept silent for a moment letting his eyes go downcast.

"...M-May I ask why?" He queried softly and she noticed his countenance had taken on a pained expression.

She never really told anyone her story, other than Armin since Eren had lived to witness it all. However, for some odd reason, Mikasa felt inclined to divulge it to him. She trusted him. Frankly, Mikasa did not know whether this was a good thing or a bad one.

"I'm Asian, well, half. I suppose it's a rarity now and I may have been the last of my clan. I think being that my ethnicity was nearly extinct, that called for a relatively high demand in the prostitution ring. My mother was full, she would've been worth a heftier price...But she was killed trying to protect me."

Bertholdt brought a placating hand upon her shoulder and she placed her hand above his, grasping it for the warmth it emitted. He trembled slightly under her touch but she didn't mind.

"Eren saved me," she continued. "And then his father took me in. After that, I learned to love his family like my own. Every now and then I remember all my time with them. Little things like this—" she gestured towards the laundry "—are what inspire these memories. I can't help but reminisce on how much I miss when times were so much more...simple."

"I'm sorry...You didn't deserve any of that..."

"Hn, it's fine. I've learned from it. I've learned that the world can be a cruel place, there's nothing but grief and suffering everywhere we go...But, there's beauty in it too," she said as she looked up to him and met his eyes.

"Yeah," he sighed wistfully. "There is."

"You mentioned your mother, is she...is she still...?"

"Alive? Yes, she is. I'm sure she's still waiting for my return once this is all over."

"Do you miss her?"

"Terribly. I miss her, I miss my father, my brother...I miss being home. My family...we've got a farm out in my village too. Out there, things are so much simpler. You don't have to worry about war or death or anything, really. It's just all peace and quiet, no blood or mindless titans. I miss it so much."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, it's nothing that can be helped. My mother used to tell me that things happen for a reason, for some otherworldly reason that we'll never really figure out. The existence of evil is necessary as it will ultimately bring about something good. I'm hoping that one day I get to see the good."

"Me too."

"...But for now, I guess doing laundry will suffice," he chuckled.

Mikasa laughed softly before laying her head on his shoulder. She glanced up at him only to see him smiling warmly at her. If she squinted just enough, she could see a light blush dusting his cheeks. He used to tense at the gesture, but now it seemed as if he were a perfect fit. She leaned into him and sighed.

"Why did you become a soldier?"

"...W-Well, someone's gotta do it, I guess. We can't all live in peace and tranquility when the existence of war is always going to be lurking around."

"Do you think once this...if this war ever ends, that you'd return home?"

"Yes, of course! I've been dreaming about going home since the moment I started. It's what keeps me going to be honest."

"Must be nice..."

Becoming a soldier was a decision she made because her home was in Eren. He was the last piece of family she had in this life and buried under all that frustration, all that rage, was someone who was as compassionate as a saint.

He was her home and he was what kept her going. Whereas, Bertholdt still had his whole family intact, he had something to go home to. She had to follow hers.

"W-Well, maybe one day I can bring you too," he offered with a crooked smile.

"When this is all over, I'd like to visit your village. It sounds nice."

She noticed that he had broke into a sweat but simply shrugged it off as one of those habitual traits of his.

She was beginning to get used to all of his nonverbal tics. Though seemingly taciturn and distant, Bertholdt was as candid as an open book if you took the time to try to understand him. She could read him so easily.

"Mikasa..." he spoke carefully. "Can I tell you something?"

With an inquisitive look, she wrung out another shirt, before halting in her ministrations. "Yes?"

He looked as if he were in deep contemplation, as if he had something really important to say at that very moment. With his eyebrows furrowed and his fist under his chin, a small crinkle on the corner of his eye formed.

To his credit, Bertholdt had known it had been building up. At first, it was a simple crush. But now, he was past the infatuation phase...All those nights talking to her, sharing his thoughts and feelings. All those stolen moments during the day in passing—small smiles, transient embraces. The way she would look at him as if he meant the world to her.

And just like that, he had fallen for Mikasa Ackerman.

"I just...I wanted to say..." he was stammering again and it seemed as if every word was getting more and more difficult to articulate, until finally, he huffed a sigh in relent. "...Never mind, forget it..."

"Are you sure?" She queried in concern.

"Yeah...it's okay..."

She noticed the frustration that had seemingly engulfed his being, he was trembling again. Mikasa wiped her hands dry and reached out to place her hand on the small of his back, rubbing circles around his shoulders to soothe him.

"You okay?"

He turned towards her and this time, it was he who leaned onto her, tucking his head between her neck and shoulders. Mikasa felt a warmth creeping into the pit of her stomach, something she had never experienced before. She didn't know how to feel about it.

"I think I will be," Bertholdt finally said and they stood like that until the sun set into the hills.

He was in love with Mikasa Ackerman and there was no turning back now.


	6. Chapter 6: Every Promise

**Chapter Six: Every Promise Won't Work Out That Way**

* * *

Annie had been compromised. She was captured by the survey corps on a raid that he had no idea about.

The morning of, his squad leader had only told them that they would be embarking on a search and destroy mission that involved an unknown target after the failure that was the 57th expedition.

He was sure that Annie and Reiner would have executed their plan to destroy the survey corps main support system and capture Eren, but everything went wrong.

It was supposed to be another mission, but this time it was supposed to be in the Stohess District within the walls. That was all he heard.

But little did he know that it was all a rouse to provoke Annie to reveal her titan form and capture her.

The thought of the commander and the squad leaders devising this plan with his fellow soldiers angered him. Reiner and he had barely been given any information on the mission itself, leaving them in the dark for the majority of its duration. If he could have found a way just to help her, he would have.

Before he had met Mikasa, there had been Annie. Ever since they were younger, he had always had a soft spot for her and he could even admit that his long-time infatuation was strong enough to cloud his judgement from time-to-time.

The fact that she was captured and placed in the dungeon in a self-induced coma made his heart ache and moreover, it made him angry. He was angry at the survey corps. He was angry at his "commanders." He was angry that he had little power to do anything about it.

Bertholdt found himself seething in the common room all on his lonesome. He hadn't talked to Mikasa in days and he barely even spoke a word to his other "comrades."

That's when Reiner found him. Sitting all alone and glaring out the windows of the castle's main common room.

"You okay, Bertl?" Reiner prompted as he placed a strong hand on his shoulder.

"I...I don't know."

"Don't beat yourself up about it, we couldn't have possibly done anything to save her. The scouts left us out of the loop, if anything we should be getting down to the bottom of this. Why were we not given any information on the mission other than some vague instructions?"

"Who knows," he felt himself shrug.

"Annie may have been compromised, but she was smart enough to crystallize just in time. Who knows what they would've done to her if they caught her?" Reiner continued.

Grim images of the squad leaders torturing Annie into oblivion came to mind and he shuddered at the thought.

"H-How?" He finally muttered almost to himself. "How did she get caught? How did she let this happen? Why couldn't I be there to save her?"

There were tears collecting in the corners of his eyes and he felt Reiner's grip on his shoulder tighten just a little.

"I've been doing a little reconnaissance for the past few days and I've gathered some tidbits of information on that mission," Reiner said grimly as he sat himself next to him.

"What did you hear?"

"It was Armin who figured it out. I don't know how, but he did. He proposed his plans to the commander and everything. And Commander Erwin delegated Eren, Mikasa, and Armin to prompt her out."

 _"W-What?"_ At the sound of Mikasa's name, his heart had dropped. He remembered the day before the mission that she had not once mentioned anything about convening with the commanders and...it hurt him.

"Yeah, those three were the ones who led the commander and squad leaders to Annie. When Annie tried to escape past the wall, it was Mikasa who cut her hands off and made her fall when Eren was fighting her. I think your girl's got some personal vendetta against her after she tried to capture Eren."

Bertholdt was livid.

The image of Mikasa attacking Annie made his blood boil, he felt conflicted in so many ways. On one hand, there was the girl he had been infatuated with, Annie—the other warrior who had to carry the burdens of destroying humanity with him. And on the other hand, there was Mikasa. A soldier he had unwittingly fell in love with despite his better judgement. He knew that he could not keep deluding himself with being with her, but that didn't stop him from trying. She was the enemy. She was supposed to be...

"So, it was Mikasa and Eren, huh?" He queried darkly, trying his hardest at maintaining a calm disposition.

"Yeah, it's always those three. Like some twisted nightmare, they come back to thwart our missions at every opportunity they can get..." Thankfully, Reiner was thinking more level-headed and was maintaining his role as a warrior this time. Often times he would forget and adopt that stupid soldier persona when they were in times of crisis.

"How could they do this? Now, Annie's gone."

"All we can do now is to continue to carry out the mission, Bertl. There's nothing left we can try. She's only a liability now."

Bertholdt grit his teeth and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself once more.

"I have to go," he said standing up. "I'll see you later."

"Alright, I'll see you later! With all this work, I hope the commander will give us a break tonight. Eren and Connie invited me for some drinks, you can come too later if you want. Tonight, we're celebrating!"

And just like that, Reiner's eyes had taken a different look and Bertholdt could tell that he had switched up again. It was exasperating, but he could only sympathize with his friend who was too traumatized to maintain his reality.

Frustrated with it all, he stalked out of the room and decided to take a walk.

He needed to calm himself, he needed to stop feeling so irate. He didn't know why, but he felt his anger being projected onto one face only despite the fact that it was a team effort. All he could think about was Mikasa. He was pouring out all his frustrations and his mind had somehow pinned her as the source. How could she? How could she do that? He wanted to yell, to scream, to—

"Bertl, I've been looking for you..."

In his anger, he hadn't realized that the source of all his frustrations had been standing right there. Even here, he couldn't help thinking how beautiful she looked with her brows furrowed in concern and her lips pursed in a light frown. He was so conflicted.

"Where have you been? It's been almost a week since I've last seen you. You've been...Have you been avoiding me?" She continued, completely oblivious at how angry he was.

He couldn't speak to her right now. He just couldn't. Bertholdt knew if he opened his mouth now, he would say some unforgiving things to her that he could never take back. He just couldn't. With what little control he had left, he turned away from her and began to walk away.

"Bertholdt!" He heard her call out and before he knew it, she had caught him by the arm. "What's wrong?"

"...Nothing..." he gritted out, averting his gaze from her own. He couldn't look at her right now.

"Then why are you acting like this? D-Did I do something wrong?"

He caught a glimpse of her eyes now, those piercing grey eyes that managed to ensnare him into some pathetic lovelorn spell. They were watering now.

"I just...I don't want to talk right now," he muttered before roughly tugging himself out of her grip and continuing on his way.

She didn't seem to get the picture and continued to follow in suit. "What did I do?" She repeated.

He ignored her and continued to walk, trying to maintain his composure.

He wanted so badly to yell at her, to tell her to leave him alone. That he never wanted to speak to her again. But a small, niggling voice in his head was telling him otherwise. It said, _did you see her eyes? She's crying for you. You made her cry._ That part of his psyche was urging to reach out and hold her, to ease her qualms.

But he was just too angry. He was angry that she made him fall in love with her. Angry that he could never love her under the circumstances they were in. Mikasa's encounter with Annie was only a clear indication that, in a fundamental way, they would always be enemies. She was a soldier and he was a warrior. It could never be.

"Bertholdt, please! Tell me what I did wrong. I don't...I don't know what I did. Why are you angry? Please..." he heard her call out to him and it broke his heart.

She gripped his arm again and this time he spun around and grabbed her by the shoulders.

A look of bewilderment flashed within her eyes and suddenly his lips came crashing onto hers.

She tensed at first, but once he melded his lips onto hers, deepening it slightly, he felt her throw her arms around his neck.

He poured every bit of frustration into that kiss, biting her lips and roughly taking her in as if she were some kind of drug. All the feelings of conflict, all of the stress, the anger had flooded from his psych and onto her lips with each time he moved his own.

He felt her tongue sliding against his and he tightened his grip around her. It was intoxicating, like an electrically charged jolt had ran through his veins consuming him with her taste.

There was a flurry of emotions running through his mind as their lips clashed. It was so intense that he had to pull away and take a breath.

When he did, he looked deep into her eyes. Her cheeks were tinged pink, her lips were swollen, and her visage had taken on a look that had him tightly wounded again. He wanted to kiss her again, he wanted to feel her underneath him. He wanted to breathe her in.

"Bertholdt..." she spoke carefully and he felt her hand cupping the side of his face.

With his anger completely dissipated from the kiss, he finally gathered his senses once more.

"I...I love you..." he whispered before shutting his eyes tight and turning away, leaving her shocked with eyes wide as saucers. His steps were quick and deliberate as he retreated from her.

This time she did not follow him.


	7. Chapter 7: Where Do You Go?

**Chapter Seven: Where Do You Go When You Go Quiet?**

* * *

 _"...I love you..."_

He had told her that he loved her. She kept playing it in her head like a never ending mantra.

No one had ever told her that, not even Eren. Sure she remembered her parents telling her that, but that was a long time ago. And it was _him_ who had told her that.

He kissed her and told her he loved her. Now, that was completely unexpected. He went for days ignoring her and Sasha had told her that he was ignoring everyone in the castle. And then suddenly he does something like this?

For a whole week with his absence, she felt lost—as if she had lost a vital piece of herself, or her daily routine, or whatever it was that made her essentially her.

Before she had met him, her world revolved on only a few things: her physical needs and her emotional needs. Physical, being that she needed the basic necessities of eating and sleeping. Emotional-wise, those necessities usually gravitated towards her intrinsic need to keep Eren safe and to an extent, Armin as well.

When Bertholdt had entered her life, she didn't think much about it. She simply saw him as another new, dispensable camaraderie that she could easily forget. But when his presence in her mind continued to persist, she realized that he was becoming more than that.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and without realizing it, she had been growing a tentative relationship with him over the span of nearly a year.

Now, his absence was greatly felt, even on those few days in which they had spent their time apart. The daunting realization that she may have caught unwarranted emotions for him frightened her. It was a new experience, but that didn't mean she wasn't averse to welcoming it. Perhaps...

And then he kissed her. She still felt that burning sensation his kiss left on her lips. It made her feel warm, it made her stomach feel all sorts of oddities, and above all, it made her feel the ever-elusive emotion that she was not ready to come to terms with just yet.

She just couldn't understand though. For days he had ignored her and when she finally saw him, he was angry with her. She didn't know what she could have possibly done to warrant any animosity from a man she cared so much about. And when she saw the spite in his eyes and realized that that spite was directed at her, she felt like she couldn't breathe.

And then he kisses her? It just didn't make sense. Nothing made sense at all.

The look in his eyes when he pulled away from their kiss, it was as if he were some wild maverick with no self-control. That wasn't the mild-mannered Bertholdt she knew. Or so she liked to think.

She had thought that she could read him so easily, however, she was beginning to think that she was wrong. That maybe, she never knew him at all and that he deliberately let her think that she did.

It hurt her.

Everyone always pegged her off as some monotonous machine, someone without emotions who simply took in orders and executed them without question. She wasn't stupid, she was aware of all the hushed talk her fellow scouts would say about her. But didn't they realize that they were wrong? She was human too. She had feelings, she had thoughts.

And when Bertholdt came into her life, it was as if he triggered a certain set of emotions that had her malfunctioning like some poorly wired circuit.

He told her he loved her, how was she supposed to respond to that? She cared for him, and yes, she was learning that these feelings she had been harboring for him were more than just friendly in nature. She could fully admit to herself that yes, perhaps she liked him. _..a lot._

But love? She wasn't so sure that she could reciprocate those feelings just yet. Perhaps she could learn to, but, the thought in it of itself was far too overwhelming for her to even process.

Thus, Mikasa had done what she did best, avoid. She avoided him after that day. Though a burning need to see him had settled in the pit of her stomach, she practiced her self-control and ignored those impulses.

He didn't go looking for her either. As a matter of fact, Mikasa noticed that Bertholdt was no longer frequenting his usual spots in the castle. Not once had she seen him in the dining hall or the common room or even around the castle at all. She had a feeling that he was probably avoiding her too.

It was a waiting game as of now and what made it more difficult is that the scouts were stuck here until a new mission was fully drawn out and processed.

Much to her disdain, Mikasa sometimes found herself wishing a titan or two would appear out of nowhere just so she could flex her aching muscles and get her mind off of him. _Or maybe even catch a glimpse of him out on the fields._ She was just so conflicted.

It was when she was eating dinner with Eren and Armin when the topic of her misery was pushed to the forefront of her mind. They were wolfing down their bread with fervor while she had been pushing her food around in her plate.

"Mikasa, are you going to eat?" Eren questioned her and she ignored him. She hadn't felt like speaking this time.

Seemingly disinterested, Eren shrugged before turning towards Armin.

"Where were you last night?" He questioned the blond. "Reiner and I had to go to the lake without you."

"Oh, I was with Bert. I was, uh, initially going to meet up with you guys so I thought of heading to Reiner and Bert's room, but he told me you guys had already left," Armin reasoned before muttering," Thanks a lot..."

"Nah, what do you mean? We left at the same time we always do, we were even waiting for you for awhile!"

"I told you last week that I might be a little late for the lake trip, remember? Major Hange wanted me to help out in the research lab all day."

Eren shrugged before taking a bite of his food. "Eh, whatever. So what'd you and Bert do anyways? I haven't seen him in forever. He doesn't even come with us to the lake anymore."

"We just ended up playing chess until midnight."

"That's lame. Why doesn't he hang out anymore? He's been avoiding everyone except Reiner for almost a month now..."

"You know Bert, he's always been a bit...well, introverted at best. He's not one to go out much."

"But still, he used to be cool with coming along with us. Now, he doesn't even say what's up. Old Bert's been acting so weird lately..." Eren's gaze shot towards Mikasa. "Hey, Mikasa, what's up with Bert? Did you guys fight or something?"

Mikasa nearly choked in response.

"C'mon, I know you guys have been getting real close and all. I think he even had a crush on you," Eren continued.

"Eren! _Don't tell her that..._ " Armin admonished in a whisper. But she heard him anyways.

"Hey, all I'm saying is, Bert's been acting weird and maybe Mikasa might've had something to do with it. I mean, we all know that they were sort of together and now suddenly they're not."

"I think I just lost my appetite. I'm going to be leaving now," she finally spoke, but before she could push herself up, Eren had abruptly forced her back down.

It was Armin who noticed her distress at first and she peered at the blond as he frantically whispered in Eren's ear. Eren in turn nudged her and frowned.

"Oi, Mikasa!" He called out but she didn't answer. For once in her life, she didn't feel the need to respond to him.

"Come on, Mikasa...talk to us..." she heard Armin plead and she felt him place his hand on her shoulder.

"Mikasa, why're you ignoring me?" Eren queried, a little irritated.

She sighed and pushed her plate aside with finality. Still refusing to speak a word.

"Mikasa, you've been looking awful this past week. The least you can do is eat," Eren declared before picking up his bread and pushing it to her mouth. "...I won't let you starve!"

She stared at him with wide eyes, not expecting him to be so bold.

The gesture, though good-natured at best evoked one of her earliest memories after they started their new life.

They were just young kids, they didn't understand the world around them. Newly orphaned and scrambling for food, Mikasa remembered when they were refugees still trying to find their way in the world. Eren was refusing his food and Mikasa had beat him down and forced a piece of bread in his mouth. And now...Here they were, with a new life and different problems to worry about. Yet, it would seem that some things would never change...

Before she even knew it, she could feel something warm trickle down her cheeks and a look of shock crossed Eren's features.

"M-Mikasa, are you crying?" He questioned incredulously.

She hadn't noticed it until now, but all the pent-up emotions that she had been trying so hard to repress for so long were finally catching up to her. Bertholdt's confession had been the catalyst to her breaking point.

All the pressure had been building up for years.

The stress came as a result of her experiences on the field, her need to protect her loved ones, the conflict of wanting to maintain her compassion or falling into a nihilistic delusion, and finally, from the appearance of Bertholdt's admission. It was all too much for Mikasa to bear and she was sinking further and further into the void. With this simple evocation, Eren forcing her to eat, she had lost it.

She wiped fiercely at her cheek and shut her eyes tightly, willing the tears away. "I've just been...tired. That's all. I haven't been getting any sleep. My eyes have been getting watery."

"Are you sure?" He questioned suspiciously, not quite believing her. He knew her too well.

"Yes, I'm sure," she sighed before standing up. "I'm tired, I think I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight."

She swept past them, ignoring their bewildered expressions and stalked away.

* * *

At night, she lay in her bed staring blankly at the walls.

Sasha was sound asleep on her own bed across the room and save for the gentle snores reverberating through the dark, the room was bathed in silence.

Mikasa rolled on her side and gazed out her open window to stare at the full moon. Despite the silence and despite the soft moon beams, that on a usual occasion would lull her to sleep, Mikasa remained wide awake. The mantra continued to play in her head.

 _"I love you...I love you...I love you..."_

And then she closed her eyes.


	8. Chapter 8: Dear Moon,

**Chapter Eight: Dear Moon,**

* * *

He tried to change. Closed his mouth more. Tried to be more distant, taciturn, less awake.

For weeks upon weeks he had foregone any interactions, only speaking to Reiner, while speaking very little to others only when necessary.

He ate his meals in his room, took strolls by himself, slowly began to not speak another word.

In that time, he pondered his reality.

Bertholdt realized that for so long, he had been straying away from his original agenda and was slowly succumbing to the enemy.

Infiltrating their stronghold was enough. Sharing meals with them, learning their secrets was what the briefing entailed. However, falling in love with one of them was beyond repute of his own governance.

He was a warrior first and foremost, and what he had been trying so hard to prevent, what he was afraid of the most, had actually came true.

He was emotionally compromised.

This could prove to be a liability in the mission and he couldn't go against his conditioning.

What he did with Mikasa was unacceptable. Letting his childish impulses overcome his post-conventional reasoning was the anathema of a warrior, it was against all he had once stood for.

And when he kissed her...

He realized that the simple gesture that had only meant to release his overlapping emotions had ultimately sealed his fate.

He was desperately in love with the enemy. He was desperately in love with Mikasa Ackerman.

And that just wouldn't do.

Inconsequence, he distanced himself even further away from humanity. Sheathed himself in his own protective barrier of mindless thoughts and isolation. Allowed the loneliness to fester into a deep wound that wedged itself away from his humanity and his training, away from _her_.

Often times he found himself in his room, curled up on his bed, eyes cast towards the window that overlooked the vast fields of greenery. It was nighttime when Reiner spoke to him, with the candles dimly lit and the room enveloped in sweet silence.

"You coming to the lake with us?" Reiner questioned carefully.

Bertholdt watched him as he prepared for their once regular nightly excursion, refilling his lantern with oil and unfurling his cloak.

"No, not tonight. I don't feel like going out," he excused himself before looking away and directing his gaze at the ceiling. He began to count the ridges on the linoleum plaster—one, two, three, four...

"You sure? Armin's coming along this time, you've got no one to keep you company and play chess with."

"I only did that because I was bored and Armin showed up in our room looking for you guys. Frankly, he's the only tolerable one..."

"Connie and Jean are coming too. We stole a bunch of liquor from the veteran's commodity storage, it'll be fun. It's guy's-night-out tonight, Bertholdt! It'd suck if you missed out. Come on, live a little."

He gave him a droll look, before rolling on his side. "Even more of a reason for me not to come. I told you I'm not interested, Reiner. You can go ahead without me."

"Look, if this is about Mikasa—"

"It's not about her!" He raised his voice this time causing the other boy to furrow his brows in slight confusion. "Just go."

There was a silence that overtook the room and then he felt a dip in his bed as Reiner sat himself down on the corner.

Curiously, Bertholdt peered at his friend.

He noticed that his arms were crossed and his eyes had taken on a different look, more cold and emotionless. This was the Reiner he knew, this was the warrior speaking to him.

"Bertl, I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to answer me honestly," he began with his voice taking on a more authoritative tone.

"...Yes?"

"What is Mikasa to you?"

Taken aback, Bertholdt sat up from his bed. "W-What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean. Now, answer the question."

"She's..." _She was everything to him._

She was the reason why he woke up in the morning and went to bed at night. Why he continued to live without qualms. It may have sounded dramatic, but perhaps it was the compassion he'd been so attuned to.

Perhaps it was the influx of teenage hormones. Or perhaps it was due to the knowledge that he was only guaranteed a very short life ahead of him and he was clinging so desperately to any person who so happened to show him kindness; anyone who could inspire within him a love unrestrained.

"Speak up, I can't hear you," Reiner coaxed him once more.

"She's..." Bertholdt sighed. "She's...just a distraction."

"Are you sure?"

With one last nod, he fell back into his bedsheets, exasperated. "Yes, that's all she is. I'm sure."

Reiner nodded his head in approval before standing up and throwing his cloak on. He picked up the lantern and opened the door, stopping at the threshold to turn around and give Bertholdt one last warning.

"I can't help you if you become emotionally compromised. Just watch your back and don't lose control of the mission, okay? We've already got one jeopardized warrior and we don't need another," Reiner finished before shutting the door gently behind him as he left.

The room was silent again, leaving Bertholdt to ponder his thoughts alone.

"Speak for yourself..." he muttered under his breath before directing his gaze out the window once more.

It was a full moon tonight and the fields were illuminated by the soft glow of it all.

The sky was like a vast scape of blackness that stretched beyond and into the infinite, like an unending void.

He wondered how deep the void was, wondered idly if he could fall into it forever and ever—forgetting all physical constraints of time, purpose, and even reality.

Like a man without purpose, Bertholdt wished so badly to be able to escape into the void and forget about the malignancies that plagued Paradis.

He wanted to forget about the people, the faces.

Too many connections had taken root upon the earth and suddenly, it was as if he was one of them. He knew he shouldn't think that way, but he couldn't help himself. Now the void seemed much more pleasant when he thought about it.

With the sky and its perpetual darkness, he searched for the meaning of it all.

He closed his eyes and dreamt about his hometown.

His family farm was a haven he once took for granted. The lush greenery, the quiet fields, the simple life.

Bertrand Hoover, his father, was the village's local oil supplier. There was such a high demand for the commodity, that he was able to live a very comfortable life.

His mother stayed at home, she was a housewife, but before that, Nina was once an accomplished seamstress. Once she was married, she retired to her husband's property to take care of her two sons.

Nikolai, his older brother was much like his father. He'd always be out on the farm helping him till the fields with the other workers.

Bertholdt, was every bit of his mother, from his dark hair to his pale green eyes. He preferred to stay inside and help her—doing laundry, sewing, reading books. "Women's work" they called it, but he didn't care.

It was a surprise when the Marleyan government took interest in the village's youth and began to recruit.

The kids were pitted against one another as per tradition, fighting until a select few managed to climb out from the tumult. Some died, others lived.

His father encouraged Nikolai and he to partake in the trials, little did he know that it was he who would become eligible to be the next titan shifter.

The officials cited him as "manipulative and slightly-sociopathic in every way, a perfect candidate for a warrior." He didn't understand what that meant when he was seven, all he knew was that he wanted to survive.

When he was shipped off for conditioning along with three other children from his village—Reiner, Marcel, and Annie; there was no turning back.

For many nights, he'd cry himself to sleep. All he ever wanted was to stay at home and sew and read and do all the things that his mother loved to do.

He didn't mean to kill the others. He didn't mean for any of this to happen.

"Bertl, this will be an honor to serve under the government," he remembered his mother gushing as she straightened his clothes to see him off. "You have the privilege to be a warrior, isn't that special?"

"But I want to stay home with you..."

"My dear, as much as I'd love that, you must go. The country needs you, going out to the fields to protect us is one of the greatest honors you could be bestowed with. A warrior—can you believe it?"

"But..."

"You've been given the opportunity to fight for our country, Bertl. You can protect our homeland. Don't you want to protect papa, Nikolai, and I?"

"I-I think so..."

And just like that, the memory had vanished and Bertholdt realized that he was only talking to the moon.

He wanted to see his mother again, wanted to relive the moments of his past life through the looking glass. But all he could see now was Mikasa's visage. Her steely eyes and her diaphanous features.

Beyond the darkness of the sky, the moon glimmered like a beacon of light and hope. He understood why Mikasa was so encaptured by its light, it was the only comfort he could find among the void.

Staring at the moon and surrounded by the darkness, save for the soft moonbeams that blanketed his room, he wondered if she was looking at it too. He could see her reflection shining through the moon like a mirror in the dullness of night.

Could she see her own reflection in the moon too? Could she feel him longing for her?


	9. Chapter 9: Trouble in Paradis

**Chapter Nine: Trouble in Paradis**

* * *

"Glad you've finally stepped out for once, man! We've missed you," Connie laughed as he roughly pat Bertholdt on the back.

He was walking side-by-side with the shorter scout and Reiner—with the latter having decided to force him to interact with his comrades to "bring you out of your self-imposed exile."

To be frank, the statement itself was enough to make him crawl out of bed, with the words _"exile"_ and _"self-imposed"_ that frightened him into submission. Thus, he was accompanying, or in other words begrudgingly _forced,_ to go out with Connie and Reiner for the day.

"Yeah, well, I need fresh air once in a while, I guess…" he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck as a light sweat accumulated on his brow.

"Besides, we needed to get back to training, flex the muscles and all that," Reiner laughed while stretching his arms and neck in preparation. "Can't keep sitting on our asses, aye Connie?"

"Damn straight, man!" the shorter boy chuckled in response before slapping Reiner on the back.

The two boys laughed in tandem, a raucous, good-natured laugh, until Connie looked up and abruptly choked mid-cackle. Noticing this, Reiner looked up as well.

"Shit, it's Mikasa," Bertholdt heard his friend mutter before nudging Connie's side. The other boy looked at Bertholdt in concern.

 _Of all the days to finally step outside…_

They were just casually ambling down the halls when he saw her.

It had been months since he last spoke to her much less seen her and with the absence of her presence, he felt that he may have been slowly recollecting his wits. He thought he had finally picked the broken shards of his conflicted feelings up and with the extra care of time and introspection, he was able to meld them back together again in one piece. His life, his daily routine was slowly becoming more cohesive again. He had finally regained a pleasant, premeditative status-quo. Slowly, but surely.

He was wrong, however.

The sight of her, _the mere sight of her_ —with her hair pulled up into a short braid, clad in a simple white training tank, and her face glistening in sweat—had him undone.

That carefully controlled façade that he was able to piece back together over the past few months had crumbled into ashes, just like that. And he was reminded all over again why his life was harsh and why his love for her was borderline temerarious.

She was passing by with Armin, and judging from her disheveled state, she looked as if she had just finished training herself. She was seemingly oblivious of him as she kept her gaze glued in front of her path in resolution. Armin was speaking frantically and the two seemed to be hurriedly making their way somewhere. He felt his breath hitch in his throat and his heart began to beat in a maddening rhythm. It was her. It was really her.

Unfortunately, just as quickly as they passed through the halls, they had disappeared.

With Mikasa no longer in sight, Bertholdt let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in.

"You okay, Bertholdt?" He heard Reiner prompt in concern.

Catching his breathe, he nodded, "Yeah, I think so..."

"I wonder what those two are up to now," Connie chimed in with a curious look.

Reiner glanced at him before placing his fist under his chin in contemplation. "Hm, speaking of which—"

 _"You three, you're apart of the 104th squadron, am I correct?"_ A loud voice called out to them, halting them in their conversation.

Bertholdt looked up and saw a figure marching towards them from beyond the corridor. Squinting his eyes, he realized that it was their Squad Commander Hange's assistant Moblit who had shouted from across the hall. He came striding in wearing his complete soldier's uniform, 3DM gear secured on each side of his legs.

"Is there something wrong sir?" Reiner was the first to address their superior. Connie and he followed suit as they saluted the man.

"Hoover and Braun, you're needed at the briefing room with Commanders Erwin and Hange," the man replied gruffly before turning towards Connie. "As for you, all of the rest of the 104th scouts are to meet at the training fields. You will proceed on combat drills effective immediately. Though he is injured, Captain Levi decided that he will be running the course today."

"Understood, sir," Connie said before turning back to them with a shrug. "Later guys, I'll be seeing ya!"

With that, he sauntered away whistling down the hall.

When the boy was finally out of sight, Moblit ordered them to follow him and without question they did so. They ambled behind the officer with solemn faces, still not quite sure as to why they were being summoned to speak with the commanders.

"What's this all about?" He whispered to Reiner and they both exchanged worried glances.

"I have no idea..."

He was afraid. Could they have found out? Did Armin hypothesize them to be the remaining Titan shifters that infiltrated the survey corps?

If so, was Erwin planning to confront them head on and worse, arrest them? Would they be tortured for information? How would they escape? How could they take on an entire castle of highly-skilled scouts who had a plethora of weapons at their disposal?

So many thoughts had ran through Bertholdt's mind and his anxiety was overwhelming him again. Sweat began to pour down his forehead and he trembled in fear with each step.

He glanced at Reiner who had always managed to maintain a poker-face in dire situations. He desperately wanted to know what his friend was thinking at the moment. Surely, he wasn't the only one plagued with a foreboding sense of paranoia.

It was strange that only he and Reiner were called to the commander's briefing room when the rest of their comrades were arranged to train for the remainder of the day. What did this mean for them? Would they be executed on spot?

The worse thought came into mind when he imagined Levi emerging from the shadows and slitting his throat. At the thought, Bertholdt grimaced.

When they entered commander Erwin's office, Bertholdt's breath caught in his throat at the sight of the occupants. The Commander had been poised, sitting upright with his hands folded under his chin and his elbows propped on his desk. Next to him, Squad Commander Hange was standing hunched and seemingly engrossed in the clipboard she had been studying.

However, it wasn't the two commanders that had him dumbfounded, it was the sight of the other three scouts that were standing on the opposite side of Erwin. It was Mikasa, Armin, and Eren.

Upon seeing _her,_ her eyes had widened slightly before he recognized that she was trying to compose herself. A frown appeared on her lips and her eyes narrowed.

Bertholdt internally berated himself for staring so hard before averting his gaze away from her and casting his eyes down to the floor.

"Gentleman," Erwin greeted them before standing up to address the entire room. "You must all be wondering why I've called you five into my office today."

He listened carefully and fixated his attention on his blond superior, trying gravely at ignoring Mikasa's presence in the other corner.

From his peripherals, he could see her burning glare being directed towards him. It was as if there were no other persons in the room, and she was the only one there—consuming him with her seething glare and enormous presence. He was acutely aware of her and it made his mind buzz in a jumble of incoherent thoughts.

But despite the inner turmoil, Bertholdt was good at maintaining his composure aside from the nervous sweat that had been trickling down his temples. He licked his lips and cast his eyes back to the ground.

"Two months ago, we were able to effectively capture the Female type Titan, Annie Leonhart in the Stohess District..." Erwin began and Bertholdt inwardly winced at the sound of her name. From across the room, he noticed Mikasa stiffen, before balling her fists up in what he could infer was anger. It saddened him.

"Before she could scale the walls and escape, Leonhart managed to pull out pieces of...a strange material that composed the walls in Stohess revealing Titans within them," Erwin continued before glancing at Hange.

The entire room collectively gasped in shock and Bertholdt feigned along with them. Reiner and he were already aware that the family of the church had the walls created when the Founding Titan compelled thousands of titans to harden in the interior. It was apart of the history that all the children were taught in the Marley conditioning facility.

Erwin cleared his throat before continuing. "Officer Hange was able to extract a piece of the walls and has since been studying its cellular structure. The structure itself is similar to the material that Leonhart used to crystallize herself. She thinks that the walls may have been created using titans."

A look of consternation crossed Eren and Armin's features and Bertholdt glanced towards Mikasa who had managed to maintain a stoic face. By his side, Reiner was tense, looking as if he was mulling everything over.

"We delegated the most skilled of the 104th scouts, you three—Ackerman, Braun, Hoover—are the top three-ranked in your graduating class. In light of Eren's abilities and Armin's initiative in research, we too have decided that they will be indispensable in the mission you will be partaking in today."

"A mission?" Eren queried.

"Yes. Furthermore, we have reason to believe that all the walls may contain titans. We wanted to scout Wall Rose, but the military police had forbidden us to cross due to the mission in Stohess having caused a number of casualties both civilian and soldier. In short, it's out of our jurisdiction. Thus, all we can work with is Wall Maria until clearance is given by the higher-ups to allow us to revisit Wall Rose. Major Hange and I have been discussing the wall issue for months and the mission objective we drew to scout the walls was in the process for weeks. It has been finalized since last night."

Eren arched his brow. "So, why are we here?"

"We want you five, as a squad, to accompany Hange to Wall Maria. As of now, the wall is compromised with titans. It is a dangerous task to endeavor, that is why your squad along with another squad of veteran and probationary scouts will also be accompanying you."

"So, an escort mission?" Armin queried.

Erwin nodded his head. "You'll be leaving tonight since Titans will only be active during daylight. This will make the trip to Wall Maria relatively easy. However, come morning and the mission begins. Hange and her team can only work during daylight, your squad will be acting as support once the Titans reappear."

"Commander Erwin has personally chosen all five of you for this mission. Individually, you all possess skills unique to yourselves that will ultimately aid in humanity's discoveries. This is but one small step towards the path of learning the truth," Hange chimed in, lightening the mood.

"You will be leaving tonight. Prepare your horses and suit up. You are to group for squad briefings in the barracks before departure. Understood?" Erwin finished.

"Yes sir!" They all said in tandem and Bertholdt followed the other soldiers as he raised his hand to his heart in salute.

"Alright, you are dismissed."

When they dispersed, his eyes immediately flew to Mikasa and it seemed as if she too was searching for him. She was about to leave with Eren and Armin before she halted in the doorway.

She gave him a sad look, one that made his heart drop to his stomach. Her eyes spoke volumes, the once steely grey gaze taking on a more dull appearance. Her thoughts poured out of them, conveying to him what she wished to say the most. They said _," Why did you leave? Why do you hide from me?"_

She dropped her head low, breaking their eye contact and walked away. Leaving all the unspoken words to hang like a thick imperceptible tension in the air, one that was only tangible to him. The hurt in her eyes said it all. In that very moment, he realized that he never wanted her to ever look at him in that way.

Shaking himself, he turned to Reiner who gave him a knowing look. He nodded at him before they left to prepare for the mission.

At night, he grouped with the other scouts in the barracks. Fully geared in his uniform and with his equipment all prepared. He tried to avoid Mikasa the entire time, too ashamed to even look her in the eye again. He was afraid if he did, he would fall once more and come running to her without prudence.

He was walking next to Armin with Reiner and Eren off to the side. Mikasa, he assumed, had opted on falling back to congregate with Hange's team, avoiding him altogether. They were waiting for the rest of the scouts to appear before the commanders started the squad briefings.

"Do you really think the walls are made of titans?" Reiner asked Armin.

"I...I think it could be a plausible idea. When Annie tore parts of the wall off, I saw Titans in there. I was so...frightened. To think that those things have been occupying the walls for years, maybe even hundreds of years..."the shorter boy shuddered.

"You saw them in the walls?" He felt himself asking, trying to create a pretense of skepticism.

"Yes...It was a large one...One as big as the Colossal," Armin replied. "I told Major Hange that the walls may be composed of them in its entirety."

So, it was Armin who had figured it out. Yet again...

That boy was too smart for his own good. This could prove to be a problem for them in the future.

"Yeah, Armin was the one who kept talking about the walls. I didn't believe it at first, but officer Hange brought us to her research room one day and it sort of confirmed our suspicions. All we have to do now is check if this means all the walls have titans in them," Eren affirmed.

"Alright scouts, it seems everyone is here!" Hange bellowed silencing everyone. They all looked up to begin the briefings and Bertholdt spotted Mikasa on the other side of the crowd of scouts. He bit his lips and willed his eyes away from her. Letting Hange's directives drown out his thoughts, he allowed himself to lose his focus to the sound of the commander's voice.

When all the scouts collectively grouped and were briefed, they made haste and rode off into the night.


	10. Chapter 10: The Waiting Game

**Chapter Ten: The Waiting Game**

* * *

The trip to Wall Maria went relatively smooth.

They had not come across any infractions with the military corps upon their departure and since Titans were unable to move during nightfall, they easily maneuvered their way towards Wall Maria in a matter of hours.

Though they were grouped altogether as a collective for the moment, they would soon have to break away into their own formations.

Unfortunately, Bertholdt was put on one of the defensive support squads that consisted of himself, Reiner, Eren, two veteran officers, and Mikasa. He had not interacted with her yet, but he sure was dreading for the time when they would eventually have to. He was a coward, he knew. He was every bit of the "spineless coward" Mikasa made him out to be— _and more_. However, he could do nothing to change his inherent apprehensiveness. It was ingrained.

It took merely three hours to arrive at Wall Maria at the rate they had been traveling and Hange ordered them to set up camp upon the top of the walls.

He immediately fell by Reiner's side and the two had propped their sleeping bags together far off in the side. Armin and Eren had also decided to set their sleeping arrangements next to theirs.

Mikasa chose to sleep elsewhere and he was completely fine with that. If the mere sight of her had him completely undone, what more if she were in close proximity while they were sleeping.

He shuddered at the thought.

Having made it to their checkpoint, the scouts had sparked a small bonfire and surrounded it while they ate their provisions. Usually at this time of the night, it was considered dinner time and Hange had ordered the soldiers to fuel up before dawn.

Bertholdt sat next to Reiner as per usual and since they were in fairly unfamiliar territory, the 104th scouts flocked together in their own circle.

Bertholdt began to sweat when he peered up and saw Mikasa casually sauntering towards their area. She sat down next to Armin allowing her to be distanced away as far as possible and he knew she had done so deliberately.

They'd been avoiding each other for so long, he could only feel a tense awkwardness envelop them despite the fact that they were so far apart.

He wondered if she felt it too.

Although he once always assumed she had been oblivious, seeing as she remained emotionally devoid the majority of the time, he knew he was wrong ever since he grew closer to her. He had a feeling that she might have felt just the same.

Trying to prevent himself from looking at her, Bertholdt began to drown himself in his thoughts.

Earlier this evening, commander Hange had told them the objective of the mission in full detail. Her words resonated through his mind as he chewed lazily at his ration bar.

 _"I've studied the walls countless times before, enough to fully gauge the depth and width of its foundations. It's weakest spot, enough for us to be able to chip away some material, can be found near the base. It's a good thing that the walls are naturally formed that way because if we were to directly try to extract material from the top or the innermost parts of the walls, we could potentially allow the titans, if there are any, to resurface from direct contact from the sunlight. Tarp can only hold its place for so long before being weathered down by the external environment. Now, that's something we don't want. To begin with, the abnormal Titans who managed to breach Wall Maria all those years ago must have known that as they deliberately broke in through the base. It's ironic really, because who would've thought that we'd be using that information for the advancement of mankind's future,"_ Hange had explained.

 _"The goal for today is to extract material from this wall and to test Arlert's hypothesis of a titan-formed wall. If it is correct, as my suspicions have been warning me, we will finally get one step closer to the truth about our walls. My team will only be able to work at the base during daylight. As you all know, there will be Titans roaming the area and thusly, the defensive squads have been set up in such a way, that you can help protect the researchers as we cave away at the wall. I'll be setting you all in different formations to guard particular sides of the area in which we will be focusing our extractions. If things get too out of hand, we may resort to having to use Eren in his titan form for defense. However, that is if and only if worse comes to worst. And I really don't want to have to resort to that. I'll be providing you the layout to study for the time being, so take into consideration of all the little details—everything counts. Commander Erwin has entrusted you soldiers to give your all tomorrow and I expect you to do so."_

He looked out towards the darkened expanse of the fields that stretched beyond the bottom of the wall and sighed. An intuitive pull of foreboding tugged at his conscious and he knew best to take heed of the warning signs.

There was something in the air tonight.

The stars glimmered in the black ebony sheets that were the sky, twinkling bright like diamonds. Above it all, the moon scintillated with its dim glow—a jeweled orb above the many fragments of sparkling stardust that littered the sky.

It was beautiful, but something felt wrong and he just couldn't quite figure out what was.

He remembered long ago another starry night like this, it was just before they began their first mission as warriors. They were journeying to Paradis to destroy humanity, to destroy the wall. He traveled with Reiner, Annie, and...with _Marcel_. The thought of their fallen comrade made him feel a small twinge of pain in his chest.

Perhaps this was why he felt so off.

In the firelight, surrounded by the closest friend he had, the girl that he loved, and the friends he made who were supposed to be enemies; Bertholdt tried to engrain this image in his mind. He wanted to sear it into the deepest depths of his innermost thoughts so he could make it last forever—just as the memory of he, Reiner, Annie, and Marcel once huddled over a campfire in waiting had been. Sentimentality was the malediction of a warrior, but he was young and he felt he had that right to feel the need to hold on regardless of his circumstances.

From a distance, when he concentrated really hard, he could hear Mikasa lightly humming to herself and it tugged at his heartstrings. He longed to be near her, but his cowardice was preventing him to do so.

"When this is all over, we're having another lake trip," Reiner grinned. "We can raid the officer's commodity storage again, get some booze, decompress."

"Sounds like a promise, Reiner. You better hold up," Eren said with a smirk before turning towards Bertholdt and nudging him on the shoulder. "And this time, you better come with, Bert. It's not the same without you."

"Yeah, it's true. Going to the lake feels a bit odd now, Bertholdt. Last trip was great, don't get me wrong, but it's not as fun when you're the only sober one," Armin said sheepishly.

"...Oh...alright, I guess," he muttered as he rubbed the back of his head.

Unconsciously, his eyes drifted off towards Mikasa as she silently sat in the corner, never once speaking a word. Suddenly, the image of him and Mikasa taking a trip to the lake by themselves came to mind and he blushed.

"You okay, Bertholdt?" Reiner smirked as he nudged him with his shoulder.

"Y-Yeah..."

Eren leaned into the fire and frowned. "Do you guys think there might really be titans in all the walls?" he questioned in all seriousness.

Reiner and Armin glanced at him, their smiles disappearing.

"I have a feeling there are," Armin said softly.

"How do you know for certain?" Reiner queried, crossing his arms.

"I...I just know. I'm not usually wrong with these things," the smaller boy reasoned.

"Yeah, Reiner. Armin accurately predicted Annie's identity. He's intuitive enough to know whether or not something's true. With a little observation, he can literally predict even the most unthinkable things. Maybe there just might be titans in all the walls," Eren shrugged.

"I have my doubts. Did you even see the Titans in Wall Sina during the time when you captured Annie?" Bertholdt felt himself saying.

He knew better, but he couldn't help but want to maintain his skeptic facade.

"Well...I didn't...But, Mikasa was the first one who did," Eren turned towards her and flicked her hair to grab her attention. "Right, Mikasa?"

Bertholdt frowned at how easily Eren was able to interact with her, silently wishing he could do the same. Mulling the boy's words over, it became a cause for concern when he discovered it was she who had first spotted the wall titans.

"Yes, when I cut Annie down, she tore a rather large chunk of wall from the top..." Mikasa said quietly and his ears zeroed in on the soothing lilt of her voice. _Oh, how he missed hearing her voice._ "At night, before recollecting my senses, I realized that I had fastened myself up next to the hole that she had torn and a titan was gazing out from within."

"Really?" Reiner questioned, his brows raising in curiosity.

She nodded stoically. "It was a large one, perhaps as large as the abnormal titan that breached this very same wall five years ago." Bertholdt winced silently as he noticed the pained expression that appeared on her face at the mention of the fall of Wall Maria.

Reiner's mouth gaped open. "You saw the titans? How did they look?"

"I...I don't quite remember one of them, but I distinctly remember the large one," Mikasa faltered and he felt his chest hurt knowing that it was he who had been the one she remembered. _Could it have traumatized her that much to completely overlook Reiner's titan form?_ "That was the one that first broke into the wall. It hovered over us—"

"Like some demon with its frightening face, peering over the wall all smugly," Eren continued in disdain, gesturing wildly with his hands.

"Or some harbinger of death," Armin muttered scornfully.

"I'm sorry," Reiner said before patting the two boys on their shoulders. "I can't imagine how terrifying that could've been."

"More than that. It was like we were stuck in some nightmare. One of those twisted, ugly nightmares that never cease to leave your memory," Eren said with a shudder, turning to Armin and Mikasa he searched their eyes. "Do you remember that day? We were all just sitting by the river, the other kids were playing around like any usual day; it was so peaceful."

"You guys just saved me from getting hurt again," Armin recalled with a wistful look upon his face. "Those guys...the ones who bullied me back then...I-I wonder if...if they survived. I like to think they did."

"I remember the sunset, it was so beautiful," Mikasa whispered almost inaudibly, but Bertholdt managed to catch her soft voice.

The look of pain that crossed all three of their features made him feel... _sympathy_ , the deepest kind of sympathy he knew he shouldn't be feeling. What was worse was how sad Mikasa's face had been. The look of pure, unadulterated hurt that marred her pretty features made him want to cry.

He wanted to cry for her.

"I'm going to go to bed," Mikasa said suddenly.

He watched as she quickly stood up and gathered her scarf around her neck. Within seconds, she had stalked off into the darkness and all four of them watched as she disappeared without a word.

"You should go check on her," Armin suggested as he poked Eren on the arm.

"Nah, she's fine," the other boy waved it off and Bertholdt silently fumed at his nonchalance.

He knew he had no right to feel this way, but the fact that his own cowardice prevented him to reach out to her made him frustrated. Coupled with the fact that Eren could easily access her and reach out to her with no inhibitions made him feel the frustration ten-fold.

"You know, I think we should start heading to bed too," Reiner spoke up. He threw his arm over Bertholdt's shoulder and gave him a coaxing look. Bertholdt took this as a sign to get up now, and so he did.

"Goodnight, we'll see you in a few hours," Bertholdt muttered before giving them a slight nod.

"Yeah, goodnight guys. Better not sleep in, else you'll be hearing it from our squad leader," Reiner chimed in.

The other two boys bid their parting wishes in tandem before he and Reiner made their way to their sleeping bags. At dawn, they would be having a long day and he wasn't quite sure if the knot of dread in his stomach indicated anything at all.

But if it did, he sure hoped they would all be prepared for when the time comes and they would have to face whatever it was that was coming.

* * *

It was morning, just at the peak of which the sun was about to rise.

The skies were still a light blue and all of the soldiers had been waiting for the sun to rise from the horizon with bleary eyes.

Already, he had geared himself up in his full equipment, as did the rest of his squad. They all convened together at the edge of the wall, Commander Hange standing in the midst of it all wide-awake and already buzzing in preparation. She reiterated the mission objectives once more and proceeded to draw out the formal squad placement.

The formation was to go as follows: His team guarding the center field as support, while two other veteran squads would be delegated the left and right fields respectively.

The 104th scouts were to be placed on the center as their most able-bodied soldier being Eren could could shift if in the case things fell towards dire situations. Mike Zacharias would be leading the forward scouts squad, whereas Dita Ness oversaw the support squads—which is where he and the 104th scouts fell into.

All the while, Hange's research team would be excavating the walls for titans using a prototype of some "special tool" she had developed that was able to break through material as tough as crystallized titan skin.

The sun began to rise from beyond the trees and they all tensed at the sudden vibrations that emerged with its coming.

Far down below from their position on the wall, Titans began to roam around the abandoned city's edges and emerge from beyond the broken hole. It was a small amount that trickled in first, but they sensed more would be on their way by the time the day rolled in.

Bertholdt stood next to the boys with Mikasa far off at the end. He glanced at her with a longing look, saying a small prayer to whomever was up there. He prayed she would remain safe. As capable as she was, his heart still wavered at the thought of her safety nonetheless.

"Alright, let's move out!" Hange bellowed.

The soldiers fell into formation and just like that, they were off.


	11. Chapter 11: Why Can't You See Me?

**Chapter Eleven: Why Can't You See Me? Everyone Else Can**

* * *

The sun rose from beyond the horizons, however a thick cloud of haze began to shift around the sky. Small shreds of sunlight barely peeked through the thick blankets of clouds, but this indicated that the dawn of a new day had made its way nevertheless.

The scouts huddled together awaiting orders with the commanders leading the front.

"Alright, listen here, Moblit will be drawing a coordinate line from here," Hange motioned to the spot in which they all stood upon," and down there vertically towards the base approximately forty-two meters down. A green signal will be shot to indicate the start of the mission and I'll be shooting a red flare once we finalize our extractions."

With a nod in understanding, the man took off and plunged towards the base with the sound of the vertical maneuvering gear being triggered. A burst of air, the familiar clinking of metal upon steel wire, and the sound of the air being broken from speed within the wind went off with his departure.

The entire squadron watched with strained faces as he shot down towards the ground.

"Mike, fall into formation," Hange commanded. "Quickly now, forward scouts follow your commander!"

Mike Zacharias nodded briefly before the rest of the forward scouts followed in suit as they plunged down towards the base with Moblit in tow.

Hange turned towards the remaining soldiers with a grim expression. "Support teams will be following my squad right upon departure, we're going to keep this short and clean. The casualties should be expected at a minimum."

Her assistant shot a green flare indicating he had fully drawn the coordinates and Hange nodded to herself. She squinted her eyes and readied her equipment. "Alright, my team, ready your hooks. Moblit has released the draw line, follow me and that's where we'll begin extractions!"

It was all a blur from what he could recall.

He watched as the forward scouts plunged towards the base in a flurry of noise triggered by the vertical maneuvering gear, and then Commander Hange's team swiftly followed suit. Now all that was left were the two support squads who were to follow after Hange's team.

Dita Ness, their commander began to shout out his orders and too caught up with the deluge of stimuli surrounding them, Bertholdt failed to hear what the man had said. He felt Reiner roughly prod him on the side of his arm, breaking him from his reverie.

"Come on, Bertholdt, let's go!" Reiner shouted among the tumult and he hadn't realized that Eren, Armin, and Mikasa had already left.

Shaking himself to recollect his wits he fastened his maneuvering triggers in his hands and pulled them between his fingers. He released the lapse and pressed on the trigger with a deep inhale of breath. The hooks immediately shot up and secured themselves to the wall and he jumped off the wall with Reiner in tow.

As they edged closer towards the base to meet their fellow scouts, he noticed the Titans already making their way towards the group. Having most certainly detected the humans, three titans had began to inch closer to them. The support squads remained within the middle layer of the formation, allowing the scouts from the forward teams to get rid of the first barrage of titans.

"Push forward in the left field! Two titans are approaching!" He heard his squad commander yell and Reiner and he watched as two veterans hooked themselves on the shoulders of a titan standing at least fifteen meters from the ground. One of them shifted their gear and spun in the air, slicing the titan's nape in minutes.

Two more titans appeared on the right field and he heard his commander shout more orders.

There was a commotion of noises, shouts, the sounds of weapons being cut through flesh.

He saw blood everywhere, someone screamed, and he turned towards the source only to see one of the veteran soldiers being devoured in whole by a titan within their range. Reiner gave him a small nod and they both shot towards the titan.

He pressed on the triggers, releasing the hooks, before latching onto the Titan's chest. He used the momentum to spin around, unsheathing his blades before cutting off a chunk of the underside of its arm.

"Grab the soldier and I'll go for the nape!" Reiner shouted and he nodded in compliance.

The veteran was still screaming, one of the man's legs was currently being chomped off. Bertholdt grimaced at the gorey image before maneuvering towards the shoulder. As he landed, he dodged its outstretched hand and dug his blade into the side of its jaw, slicing it open as it released the veteran.

Bertholdt glanced towards Reiner's direction to find him already maneuvering to the back of its neck. He sliced the nape open and the taller boy could feel the titan stumbling, about to collapse.

Quickly now, he grabbed the injured soldier from the titans unclamped jaw and hoisted the man over his back. Reiner came shooting towards them helping him carry the man and they left for the top of the wall to lay him there. Once they finished, they plunged back into the base, back into the uproar. More and more titans came trickling in and Bertholdt groaned as they returned to the formation.

Eren and Armin were fighting off a smaller titan, with the former successfully allowing the remaining veteran on their squad to cut through its nape. If Eren, Armin, and their superior was still here.. _.then where was Mikasa?_ He searched frantically for her, a wave of dread building in the pit of his chest at the thought of not finding her.

He maneuvered his way towards Eren and shouted. "W-Where's Mikasa?"

The other boy turned towards him in a hurry. "I don't know! When two more Titans appeared, she went off and killed the other!" He pointed towards the direction of where a dead Titan lay steaming in decomposition.

Soldiers were hurrying back and forth among the jumble of mess, scrambling about to protect Hange's team.

The battlefield was always something Bertholdt could never get used to. It was a nightmare, one that he had never imagined he would ever have to experience even during his warrior conditioning.

The blood, the limbs, the screams—it all terrified him into a stupor; throwing him into a fight-or-flight mode where he would end up losing himself in the battle. Reiner always managed to keep a cool head during times like this and he envied him slightly. He looked towards Reiner to speak but discovered a smaller titan rushing towards the blond. His heart quickened.

"Reiner! Behind you!" He bellowed before shooting towards his friend and hooking himself on the titan. All too fast, it grabbed Reiner by the waist before he was able to register anything and Bertholdt sliced its hand off.

"Watch out!" Reiner said in turn and Bertholdt looked up only to dodge the titan's incoming hand.

Kicking its legs and latching on to the skin on its back, Reiner made his way towards the nape. Before he could slice it open, a flicker of something appeared in front of them and with the swift sound of a sword cutting open flesh, the titan suddenly came crashing to the ground. Too confused with the sudden flash, they realized the titan was cut down within seconds.

 _"What the...?"_ Reiner began before they both realized Mikasa standing upon the titan's corpse.

Bertholdt's eyes widened. He had never witnessed anyone kill a titan as fast as she had done so, it was as if she were but a flash in the wind. Mesmerized, he could only stare at her in awe.

"Watch your backs!" She shouted before maneuvering herself towards another direction, leaving just as quickly as she came.

"Christ, that girl is a beast..." he heard Reiner remark from his side and they set off to latch onto the walls again. Bertholdt could only nod in silent agreement. _She was terrifying...and strange and beautiful._

"There's no more titans within our vicinity, we should regroup by the wall," Reiner spoke steadily. The two soldiers returned to the formation once more.

It would seem the others from their squad had also took this opportunity to regroup as Eren, Armin, and their superior had followed along. Bertholdt watched as the last titan was cut down, with Mike Zacharias and Mikasa killing it within seconds.

"The first wave may be over for now, but there's more to come. Be vigilant, soldiers!" Commander Ness panted as he made his way towards their squad he turned to call out towards the forward scouts commander and shouted. "Mike, do you sense anymore?"

The blond man grunted as he stepped off the titan corpse he had been standing upon. He began to sniff the air. "I smell a few coming our way, but we have at least ten minutes until they appear!"

"Shit..." he heard the other commander mumble.

Bertholdt tried to calm himself. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins and he was trying in vain to maintain a level-head.

He searched for Mikasa again, spotting her by Eren. He wanted to thank her for killing that titan, he wanted so badly to go up to her. Before he could even act upon his feelings, he suddenly felt a drop of water fall on the tip of his nose, breaking his concentration. His gaze immediately went to look upwards towards the sky.

The sun had completely disappeared now and the haze was growing thicker. Another drop of water fell and soon a light sprinkle of rain began to pour from the thick sheet of clouds above.

"It's-It's raining?"The commander shouted. "Shit, the haze is growing thicker by the minute. Soon we won't be able to see!"

Bertholdt immediately began to sweat as he heard this. This meant if it grew too cloudy and the rain poured harder, the whole mission could be jeopardized. Trying to see titans in the rain was difficult as it was, but commander Hange's team might not be able to continue their progress in these conditions.

The rain grew into a steady trickle and Bertholdt turned to find the commander. Her team was frantically trying to break away at the wall, the tool she had fashioned managed to break small pieces off enough to concave it, but not enough to fully break through to check for the presence of titans yet.

"What do we do now, commander?" Eren queried worriedly.

"We wait. The next wave of titans will be appearing soon and we have to give Hange's team enough time to excavate the walls," he looked up at the sky and squinted his eyes. "The rain is drizzling harder every minute, obscuring our view, but we'll have to try to push through," he directed his voice at Mike once more," Mike, you're going to have to tell us what side the titans will be appearing! Can you sense where they are?"

"Thirty degrees east towards the left field!" The other commander shouted. That was _their_ field. That was _his_ squad's position.

A steady rumble reverberated through the grounds and Bertholdt felt his heart stop at the sound.

The rumbling came closer, but none of them were able to see through the heavy fog enveloping them. The sounds grew closer and closer. Trees shaking from their roots, birds flying away from being jostled by the vibrations. It grew louder. The rumble turned into an outright quake, shaking the earth from its foundations.

He searched for the source of the noise, as did the rest of the squad, but was still unable to see. His palms were sweating as he gripped on his blades, readying himself for the incoming terror. He wasn't ashamed to say the roar of rumbles almost made him cry.

Reiner was no longer by his side, replaced by Eren and the commander. Through his peripherals, he saw Reiner next to Armin, muttering something he couldn't quite pick up.

The quakes became rougher, shifting the ground below them. And all of a sudden, it became eerily quiet. It was as if time stopped then and there—no sounds, no words. Every second, every minute seemed to last eternally. Suddenly, a large hand reached out from the clouds of fog and grabbed one of the scouts.

Soon, the entire body came ambling forward as a giant titan swallowed its victim in whole.

Screams erupted from the soldiers and it was an uproar once more. He heard Eren yell, a guttural warrior-like sound, before charging forward with his maneuvering gear and latching himself onto the titan. Bertholdt followed him, attaching himself on the titan's legs and slicing through its heel. It fell forward, but continued to rampage about.

Soon, more titans appeared from the mist and an all-out battle proceeded once more. His head began to ache, but he pressed further, attempting to land as much cuts as he could to deter the titan. Another soldier came to their rescue and cut through the nape of it.

"Dammit!" He heard Eren shriek before the boy disappeared in the mist.

Bertholdt charged towards his direction, discovering the boy caught in the grasp of another titan. This one was strange, flashes of slight consciousness appeared in its eyes and its movements were far more swift and deliberate than the average mindless titan. _It was an abnormal._

"Eren!" He yelled out before latching on to its arms and attempting to cut its hand. He managed to slice a finger off, enough for it to loosen its grasp on Eren. However, before he could fully cut through its hand, it slapped him away— _hard._

He flew from the impact and landed midair, still attached to the titan's skin. His limbs ached in pain from the blow, but he tried to muster up enough strength to hurdle back towards its hand and save Eren.

He swung himself up, using the momentum to push the triggers of his maneuvering gear to launch him back towards Eren. Unsheathing his blades, he aimed for the wrist, this time, he wouldn't miss. Digging the swords into its flesh, he was able to cleanly slice its hand off; blood pouring from the wound.

As Eren escaped from its grasp, the boy spun forward and undeterred, continuing to maneuver towards its neck.

"I'll kill you!" Eren roared as he dug his blades on the front of its neck and cut a chunk of it off. Bertholdt watched as Eren continued to move towards the back of its neck, disappearing from his view.

Before he could follow him, he felt an immense weight wrap around his waist and crush his sides. Without realizing, he had left himself vulnerable for the titan to grab him. He yelled as it's grip tightened around him, trying in vain to cut its fingers off. Unable to move, he watched in horror as the titan brought him towards its mouth, opening wide. _He was going to die. He was going to die._ Tears began to flow freely from his eyes and a scream ripped through his throat.

"Someone, please! Help me!" He cried out, but he was afraid that no one could hear him from the maelstrom of noise below. No one could hear him now. _He was going to die. He was going to die._

As his body inched closer to the titan's mouth, Bertholdt shut his eyes. So this was how he was going to perish, a pathetic death in the hands of an abnormal mindless titan as he was disguised as an Eldian soldier.

He thought back on all his experiences. The life he had lived before coming to Paradis was wonderful, but as he began to recollect the memories of his time here, he was slowly beginning to realize just how much happier he was... _as a soldier._

He remembered the laughs he and Reiner shared with Connie, Eren, Armin, Sasha, Jean, and even...Marco. He remembered his cadet training, remembered how awful he was as he fumbled with his equipment on the first try even up until graduation. He remembered all the battles they fought together, remembered the promise he made to Connie that once this was all over and they were decrepit and grey, that they'd share drinks together and laugh about it.

And among the flush of memories that bombarded his thoughts, he remembered Mikasa. He remembered the first time they met on the training fields as she tried to fix his sword handling. He remembered all those nights exchanging meaningful words and soft embraces. He remembered her steely grey eyes. He remembered her smile. He supposed out of all the malignancy that plagued his time here, that there existed brief moments of joy that overcame the rest of it. And one of his most significant moments was wrapped in the memory of being with her.

He glanced at the titan's face, a hideous, distorted visage of something that was once human as it brought him closer to its mouth. This was it. He was going to die right here and right now. An insignificant death that Reiner would have to report and one of which Marley would have to eventually file away to be forgotten in the annals of time. One of the strongest warriors, one of Marley's strongest Titan shifters, was about to perish in the eyes of humanity. He was going to die in the hands of this titan. _He was going to die. He was going to die. He was going to die._

"Bertholdt!" He heard someone shout and before he could register where the voice came from, a set of blades came thrusting down upon the hand that had gripped him. Blood splattered across his face and body and he was suddenly collected in someone's arms as they pulled him away and back to safety.

He looked up dazedly to see Mikasa's face.

 _It was her. It was really her._

She had saved him. Like some saving grace, she came down upon the titan, cut open its neck and cut its hand off just in time to save him from death. He could only gaze at her in a mixture of awestruck and gratitude as she carried him off and landed on the ground.

"Oh my God, Bertl, are you alright?" She questioned with a trembling voice, tears were running down her face as she held him in her arms. "Y-You could've died! You were going to...When I saw you, I was so scared! Bertl, what were you doing?"

This was the first time she had spoken to him in months and not only that, she had saved his life. The love he felt for her seemed to only grow in leaps as he gazed up into her watery eyes. He had no words, all he could do was stare at her in awe.

"B-Bertl, can you hear me? Are you alright?" She cried out desperately, cupping the side of his face with her hands.

"...Mikasa...You saved me..." he whispered, weakly reaching out to graze his fingers over her cheeks.

"Of course I did! I couldn't...I couldn't bear seeing you gone. If...If you died, I-I wouldn't know what to do with myself," she burst out into tears as both her hands held his hand upon her countenance.

He felt numb. He couldn't feel his body. The world was spinning around and all he could do was concentrate on her tear-stained face. From a distance, he heard the booming sound of a gun blast being triggered and looked up at the sky as a red flare burst into the air. He couldn't keep his eyes open. He was just too tired. Wrapped in her embrace, he felt his numb body falling and falling.

The world continued to spin around him in a maddening flurry of sights and sound and suddenly, everything went black.


	12. Chapter 12: Sweet Dreams

**Chapter Twelve: Sweet Dreams**

* * *

As dusk began to wear off, the sun had risen in the sky, bathing the earth with its scintillating light of pink and orange hues.

With the last vestiges of darkness disappearing from the coming of glorious light, the blackness of twilight coalesced with the glimmering heavens clashing in a battle between the light and the darkness.

As it descended upon the world, blanketing the precious earth with light, its inhabitants rose with the coming rays, birds brought up from their slumber, twittered away a melody synonymous to the morning song.

Men and women rose in tandem, readying themselves for their daily routines. Like most mornings, Bertholdt too found himself rising with the sun.

With a wide yawn, he blinked open his eyes and was met with the sight of a fully lit room. Curiously, he peered around, noticing the window wide open with the sound of birds filtering into the room.

He blearily rubbed at his eyes and sat himself up. His room was different. Odd...He frantically turned side to side to glance around. _This was not his room._

Far from the simple furnishings of his survey corps room, he noticed the painted white walls along with its matching furniture reminiscent of a town home. _This was odd._

Squinting his eyes now, he surveyed the small details of the room—picture frames hung loosely on the walls and sat atop the drawers. He noticed many pictures were of his family, on his farm, and of when he was younger.

Childhood pictures along with pictures of he and... _Mikasa?_

He noticed a larger portrait that stood out amongst the rest, on his bedside. A wooden frame with a photograph of him standing side by side with Mikasa looking like the happiest people on earth reflected off of its glass and he studied it in awe.

A surge of endearment and confusion swept over him when he looked at the frame that seemed so outlandish, yet something tugged at his insides screaming of familiarity as he gazed wide-eyed at the picture.

A creak resonated throughout the room and he averted his attention to the noise momentarily.

Slowly, the doorknob twisted open and the object of his confusion peeked through the crack in the door with an inquisitive look. Shocked, Bertholdt could not speak a word.

 _"Oh, you're awake?"_ Mikasa questioned as she stepped inside the room and ambled towards the bed. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she sat atop the bedside corner. "Strange, you slept completely still and on your back," alluding to his naturally odd sleeping positions," Did you not sleep well?"

She reached over and cupped the side of his face and he felt the coldness of her palms soothing the heat that was building up in his cheeks. His heart fluttered at the feeling of her touch and he gulped.

"You're a little warm, but not unusually," she continued as she pressed her palms on his forehead. "Have you been feeling unwell, dear?"

He flinched at the casual drop of such a saccharine pet name, however, he shook off his initial shock and felt himself numbly nodding his head.

He may have felt fine physically, but emotionally, he was feeling completely unwell. Nothing at the moment made any sense and his brain was scrambling about trying to process all this information.

Mikasa leaned forward and he felt his heart rate soaring at the proximity of her body on his. So close, he felt her cool breath puffing onto his cheeks.

"You haven't spoken a word. Are you sick? Is it your throat?"

Gingerly, he cleared his throat and swallowed a lump that had been lodged within. "I-I think so..." he responded hoarsely.

She continued to smooth her palms over his face, fruitlessly checking for some kind of fever.

"You seem to have not slept well...perhaps you must be tired," Mikasa frowned before wrapping her arms around his neck.

Internally, he could feel the cogs in his mind turning frantically; churning his insides, melting his thoughts, and causing his brain to turn into mush.

With her arms gently wrapped around him, he felt as if there could never be a feeling as wonderful as this. He felt her fingers weave into the short tufts of hair that hung closely on his nape. Her thumbs began to rub circles around the skin, eliciting a spark of receptors to raise goosebumps across his flesh.

She hummed lightly, a non-distinct sort of lilt that sounded sweet and airy. Bertholdt closed his eyes as she continued her soothing motions. Massaging the small kinks in his neck, sighing dreamily in a gorgeous melody.

Never in his life had he felt so at ease, so tranquil. He wondered idly to himself if perhaps he had died and that this was heaven. With Mikasa by his side, hovering over his body while embracing him like some long-time lover.

Heaven was the warmth that she emitted from the palms of her hands. It was the way she breathed lightly on his face to cool his burning skin. The feeling of her body melding perfectly against his as they lay propped against each other on the bed. It was the soothing feeling of her fingertips rubbing the stress away from the most sensitive part of his neck.

If this was heaven, it would be embodied within her, wrapped up in the mere feeling of touch and sensation—and the immense feeling of love that she inspired with each tender look.

He wanted to be blanketed within such love, like the sun veiled the earth with its glorious light, wanted to be wrapped up in this moment in an infinite cycle that bled into continuum.

Lost in the sensations, he melted under her touch.

"Oh, Bertl, you're breathing steam," he heard her whisper nonchalantly and his eyes immediately flew open.

Frightened at the prospect of having unwittingly revealed one of the least fortunate results of his titan shifter biological make-up, he froze. Trembling now, their eyes met in a burning clash of grey and green.

"...I-I..." he couldn't form any coherent sentences from the terror that was clouding his thoughts.

Her face remained passive and suddenly her hand reached up to the crown of his head to gently caress his temples, wiping away the beads of sweat that were trickling down each passing minute.

"You must be overstimulated," she concluded before gently placing a chaste kiss on his forehead. A burning sensation that made his skin itch with need blossomed on the part of which she had placed her lips upon. "Keep your emotions in check, Bertl. Breathe in and out. Inhale, exhale. You shouldn't let the others see this. They may be aware of your biology, but it'll scare them, you know."

Surprised at the fact that she had casually brushed off the steam he was emitting, he could only gawk at her with eyes wide as saucers.

"Y-You're okay with...?" _Did she know of his true identity? Did she just...?_

"Hmm, you've been acting odd since you woke up. I should let you get more sleep," she said before letting him go and proceeding to prop herself up from the bed. "I can't let my poor _husband_ catch illness through a lack of proper sleep," she said lightly and his ears perked at that.

"Wha—?" He began, but before he could even question her, she leaned in and brushed her lips against his.

The same feeling of unbridled emotion that erupted in the pit of his chest from the time he had kissed her had suddenly blossomed. He could feel sparks of something electric travel through his spine as she moved her soft lips against his.

His face grew hot and he was aware that steam was pouring out of his ears as she crawled back into the bed and went to straddle his waist. Her arms were around him again and before he could drown in the feeling of her, she broke away.

"Go back to sleep. When you wake up, I'll fetch you something to eat," she whispered sweetly, honey dripping off each word.

* * *

His eyelids flew open and he was met with the familiar sight of his room's ceiling. _It was all a dream..._

Blinking away the sleep from his eyes, Bertholdt tried to push himself up to sit but found his body protesting to this.

He couldn't move.

An aching pain washed over his limbs, sinking further into the muscle, tissue, and right on the surface of his bones.

He felt the pain immensely on his shoulders and all the way up to his head. It was a dull ache that resonated throughout the body, one he was familiar with when, and on the few times, he would fall ill.

Rarely would he get sick, but when he did, it was as if it was the worse thing to ever wrack his body. And the feeling never failed to feel new each time he fell ill.

He tried to clear his throat, however, it felt as if a million tiny, rusty razors were scraping against his vocal chords. He grunted in pain at the feeling.

From the side of his bed, he heard a sharp intake of breath and quickly forced his attention on the intruder.

Mikasa sat quietly by his bedside, dressed in her civilian clothes with a blanket thrown across her lap. She stared at him with surprise for a brief moment before reaching her hand out to clasp his own.

His fingers burned at her touch.

"You're awake..." she whispered before squeezing his fingers lightly. "...I, um, I wanted to stay by your side since the mission. You passed out when I saved you and just in time before Commander Hange signaled for a retreat. You've been sick since then... Reiner told me that the rain might've had something to do with it."

Furrowing his brows he managed to scrape a few words out of his throat. "...I-I...did?"

"Yes, you've been running a fever for two days now and you were asleep since the mission," Mikasa nodded solemnly before leaning a little closer. A blush spread across her cheeks and he noticed that she looked embarrassed. "I thought it would be best to monitor you the entire time."

"Y-You did?" He remembered floating in and out of consciousness with her by his side, taking care of him, but he had mistaken it all for a dream.

"...Yes...I was afraid for you when you fainted on me. I wanted to help any way I could."

"Th-Thank you..." he let out weakly. "Did...Did Commander Hange figure anything out?"

"Yes, it's been confirmed. There are titans in Wall Maria too. All the walls are made of titans," she replied.

"...Oh..."

They remained quiet for awhile. An awkward silence had enveloped the room as Bertholdt sat stiffly on the bed trying to look at everything but her.

Mikasa herself had been sitting rigidly on the chair by his bedside. Her hands were folded on her lap and she was fumbling with the cloth of her blanket.

The tension was nearly palpable.

"I just—" they both said in tandem but shut their mouths to let the other speak. Bertholdt internally berated himself before finally fixating his gaze on her.

"N-No, you go first, I didn't mean to talk over you..." he stuttered out.

Mikasa inhaled a deep breath and licked her lips. A frown line exacerbated by worry began to appear on her lips before she spoke. "I just wanted to speak to you...you know, since the day you started to avoid me."

"...W-Well, you were avoiding me too."

"I know...And I'm sorry. I was just..."she reached out to grasp his hand again and squeezed it slightly. "Scared..."

"Because of what I told you?"

"...Yes...I never had anyone tell me that before..."

"W-What? Really?" He gasped, shock clearly evident in his voice.

She began to rub her arms in what could be seen as nervousness, or anxiety before nodding her head in affirmation. "I just didn't know how to react to it in all honesty."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. I know...I was being selfish and I didn't think about your feelings or how you would react and, and I'm so, so sorry about that. If I could—"

"Bertl...Look, I care for you, a lot," she grasped both his hands in her own again and brought them closer to her. His heart quickened and his face grew hot despite the fact that he was already running a fever "I care for you so much. But, I don't think that I'm ready to—"

His heart dropped and his hands slipped from her grasp. "You don't love me back," he said brokenheartedly, and a sliver of his disappointment slipped through his words.

"N-No, it's not that! I just...I have...We have so much going on. There's always that looming presence of death hanging around us each day. Our circumstances will always find a way to inhibit any time for a—"

"A relationship?"

"Yes and I do care about you, Bertl. I do."

"But you can't love me back..." he said sadly.

"No! That's not what I meant. I want you to know—"

"If it's not what you meant then why are you telling me this? You care for me, but you don't love me. I get it, save the apologies Mikasa," he interjected, shocking her by his forwardness.

As uncharacteristic of him as it was, the rejection had stung far worse than he had initially thought. He couldn't help it.

She sighed before grabbing ahold of his hands in resolution. "Look, what I meant to say is that I may not be able to reciprocate your love right now... _But I can learn to."_

Bertholdt froze at her declaration with no words to quite say.

"Just give me some time. I wish you knew how hard it is. Love is something I've never really known...I've only ever loved enough people that I could count on my hand. Less than that, even," Mikasa continued. "What I'm trying to say is, I had to learn from far away. Never really attaching myself to others. Eren was an exception, but that's because of the bond we've had and because he's my only family now...But, if you give me some time, I think I can love you too."

If that was as close as he could get from her, he would not complain.

He'd been so used to a lack of reciprocation for so long. Annie never showed interest despite how obvious he had been with his infatuation and other people had never quite shown interest in him either.

The fact that one of the most beautiful, strongest, most humble girls he had ever known was willing to learn to love him made his heart soar. If he had loved her back then, he loved her even more now.

A surge of hope swept over him and with that newfound confidence, Bertholdt brought her hands to his lips and pressed them on her knuckles. "I meant what I said all those months ago. And even if you stop speaking to me or God forbid, if you ever leave, I'll still feel the same way."

Mikasa blushed before an intense look overcame her expression. She stared deeply into his eyes and her hand made its way to cup the side of his cheek.

He knew this look.

His heart began to quicken its pace again as he anticipated for what was coming.

Mikasa tentatively leaned in and brought her lips upon his.

The kiss wasn't as passionate as the one they had shared months ago as well as the one he had dreamt of. However, it was sweeter and he could feel the amount of emotions she had tried to convey through her lips. Her tongue slipped in his mouth and she tenderly moved her lips against his.

When they broke away he had to catch his breath and could only stare at her in awe.

At that very moment, he realized that he would do anything for her. This moment had only solidified his feelings and he knew that he had unwittingly allowed himself to put his life in her hands.

If or when the time ever came, he knew that he would let her do it. He would let her kill him and he was prepared for that. He would allow her to carry his life between her small, calloused hands. Let her choose whether or not to end the life of one of humanity's greatest enemies. She saved his life back then and now he wouldn't mind to have her take it away. He would do it. He would let her. He just loved her too much.

Mikasa Ackerman could be his greatest enemy who would potentially lead to his demise, but he couldn't bother to care.


	13. Chapter 13: Lost in So Many Ways

**Chapter Thirteen: Lost in So Many Ways**

* * *

It was the afternoon in which she found herself alone for once. For the past few days, it had been an uproar after the mission in Wall Maria. The entire castle was buzzing with excitement, but it was an excitement that was terrifying in every sense.

Titans were in the walls. The walls were made out of titans. The fact in it of itself was daunting at best, frightening in all its perplexity at worst. There were so many questions and so little answers.

Only the scouts who were present at the last mission were privy to what little information Squad Commander Hange and her research team were able to procure. Inconsequence, all of the remaining 104th soldiers who were not apart of the mission flocked to the others for information—mainly she, Eren, Armin, Bertholdt, and Reiner would invariably be the source of such information. Therefore, she was constantly being bombarded by questions from her fellow scouts.

 _Is it true that all the walls are made of titans? Did you see the titans? Why were they in the walls? Did Commander Hange tell you anything?_

There were so many questions, but so very little answers.

She had nothing much to say on the topic, other than the objective point of mission results. In short, all she could really confirm was that, _yes,_ there are titans in the walls. That was it.

However, she had more pressing matters to mull over than the discovery of wall titans. Yes, their presence was concerning, but the 104th squadron's status quo had managed to become her top priority for the time being. She figured out why the others were left behind during the mission and Armin had yet again enlightened her with his calculative perception.

She had suspected it, a small inkling of wariness had been creeping into her intuition for the past couple of months since Annie's capture. But it was Armin who was able to solidify this suspicion. The 104th survey corps squadron was under probation. Without their knowledge, the higher-ups had been observing them for quite sometime now. That was the reason why the majority of the time they had been sitting ducks waiting for missions to proceed again. But the problem was, there wouldn't be any missions. Not for that particular squadron anyway.

She figured the only reason why the five of them were included in the last mission was due to the demand in assets. Each of them proved to be more individually valuable among their class, which was why they were granted access to the mission. She knew it was temporary. Under this supposed "probationary period," they were being watched.

What Armin deduced was that the commanders believed that the 104th squadron were rife with infiltrators. Mikasa understood their reasoning. After all, Annie had managed to slip in through the ranks with ease. There was a possibility that more titan shifters were hiding within the scouts and she didn't doubt it one bit. She could only hope that these infiltrators would be discovered soon. The fate of humanity wrested in their hands and the fact that there were potential moles within the squadrons meant the potential for humanity to perish.

For now, all she could do was wait and answer her comrade's questions. And thankfully today they had left her alone. With that free time, Mikasa decided to take a much needed walk outside of the castle.

The afternoon sun was settling in and a light breeze wafted through the air. Beyond the grassy fields, she could see the stream sparkling under the sun like an undulating blue rivulet with brilliant golden hues. If she followed it, she knew she would most likely reach the lake.

She watched as the water steadily streamed in its own rhythm. It flowed through the earth in a perpetual cycle, powered by nature alone. Flowing infinitely, washing away the organic matter that would build up from the terrain. She wished it could flow through her like that and wash away all the troubles that were building up within. All of her worries. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply. Like the stream with its boundless direction, she too wanted to flow and rush through everything and anything. Having no direction, no purpose. Simply existing for the sake of nature.

With a shrug and nowhere else to go, she followed her instinct and began to walk the path with no direction, where the stream ran and made its way through the forest. The trees shaded her on her path as she slowly trekked through the flora.

The peaceful melody of birds twittering about filled her ears as she ambled in her solitude. Sunlight filtered in through the trees, warming her skin as it lightly touched her cheeks. Liberated from all restraints of direction and control, she continued to walk the unknown path, feet taking her wherever she could go.

She continued ambling for quite some time, and as the minutes bled into nearly half an hour, she finally came upon a clearing. The trees had receded back only to reveal a vast, full body of water that scintillated under the sunlight. If the stream had been beautiful to her, the lake was a magnificent sight to behold.

It was a larger expanse, fluttering against the breeze in millions of undulations that reflected the sun in small increments of shining light. As she drew closer to the lake shore, she spotted a figure casually basking under the sunlight.

It would seem she was not alone in her yearning need for the quietude of nature.

The figure, a man judging from their stature, sat down with their back hunched and their legs bent up to the knees. Their arms were wrapped around their knees drawing their chin to rest gently on them. It was one of those positions that spoke volumes rather than words. Those who drew into themselves in such a way were either sad or contemplative, sometimes even both. She knew only one person who synonymously took on this sitting position and that was...

 _"Bertl?"_ She heard herself calling out to the figure without even realizing.

His shoulders went rigid and he quickly turned around. "Oh, Mikasa? I didn't know you were here..." he said slightly surprised.

She sauntered towards him and wrapped her arms around him from the back, leaning into the crook of his shoulder. She felt him ease into her touch and she smiled. "I could say the same for you. I was just taking a walk and ended up getting lost. I didn't think I'd bump into you. Are you feeling better?" She questioned in slight concern as she placed her palm against his forehead to check for any symptoms of a fever.

"Yeah, I can speak now without feeling like a grater is stuck in my throat."

She laughed lightly before removing her hand from his face. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, well, I like going here when I need to think. You know, ponder things. It's nice, the lake looks the best during this time when the sun settles into the sky. You can get lost in thought just staring at a view like this."

Like Armin, Bertholdt was a very perceptive boy. Though he did not display it often, there were always small instances when he would let it show. It was in the little things. Sometimes he would visit her just in time when she would awake to be the first one to greet her good morning. Or hold her hand in times of weariness knowing how much the simple touch eased her mind. And when he spoke, he would casually mention little observations that even she did not bother to look at.

She let go of him, opting on planting herself to sit right next to him instead. She laid her head on his shoulder. "Did you know somewhere out there, beyond those walls, there's something bigger than the lake?"

His eyes widened slightly and she watched as he shifted next to her. "Really?"

"Yes, when we were kids, Armin used to read us these old topography books that had pictures in them. I remember one of them was about this thing called the ocean. It's this large, vast body of water that covers at least seventy-one percent of the earth's surface. It's odd because we've never been able see it and when we read those books, it just made me imagine how big this earth really is."

"Wow, seventy-one percent? That's amazing. I always thought the lake was huge, but I can't imagine how big the, um, ocean could be."

"Right? When we were kids, Eren, Armin, and I would always look back at those pictures and at those books. To be able to see the ocean must've been wonderful. There's even thousands of different species that inhabit it too—Armin had a separate book on that, something called _Creatures of the Sea,_ where there were dozens of pictures of the strangest looking organisms."

"Is it the sea or the ocean?"

"I think those terms might be interchangeable? I'm not really sure, as I know very little about it," she chuckled lightly and he smiled at her adoringly. "Nonetheless, we would read those books so much that we promised each other that one day we'd see it. One day, we'd visit the ocean. It's been a little dream of mine ever since."

"To see the ocean?"

She nodded. "To think, somewhere out there, there's this huge ocean waiting for us to explore. Armin had this book of fairytales that mentioned a group of explorers traveling the sea by these giant exploration vessels—they're like boats, but much, much larger. Even though it's not supposed to be real, we had this theory that, maybe the first prototypes for boats were actually created for sea exploration and that perhaps, humans used to travel the ocean."

"Who knows, maybe you guys are right..."

"Yeah, maybe..." her voice faltered immediately. She wonders if those childhood books meant anything at all. "Bertl, do you ever wonder about what's outside the walls?"

His brows furrowed and a pensive look appeared on his visage before he spoke. "...Besides titans, no...I haven't really thought too much about it."

"Sometimes I wonder, if there's this huge ocean, that must mean that there's more land. I know titans inhabit a large portion of it, but surely there aren't titans roaming the entire world, are there? How did we end up in these walls? Was it always like this? Are there places outside of the walls where humanity still dwells?"

"Do you think there might be?" He questioned, slightly bewildered. A trickle of sweat ran down the side of his forehead.

"I like to think there might be. The world is far too big for humanity to be enclosed in one small space, don't you think? Eren never really believed it, but when Armin would theorize these strange ideas about life outside the walls, I sort of believed him. He even had this very old book that mentioned a world ruled simply by humans and animals. There was no such thing about titans, and societies thrived all over the earth."

"...M-Maybe they're just books?"

"Maybe. However, I have a suspicion that those writer's didn't have the propensity to create these large imaginary stories. Oceans, sea explorations, different societies—perhaps these are all stories that hold an iota of truth."

"You could be right...who knows?"

They remained quiet for a few moments with a comfortable silence enveloping them as they gazed out into the lake. Mikasa peered over to him, only to see a contemplative look cross his features once more. His eyes were fixated at the undulating waters, but a crease had formed on his brow suggesting the worry that weighed on his mind. She nudged him slightly and he turned his attention towards her.

"You look a little stressed," she remarked before patting her lap and indicating for him to draw nearer. "Come here."

Without question, he laid his head on her lap and she began to weave her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" She queried.

He turned towards her and quirked his lips. "Ah, well, I'm just a little homesick is all. This always happens after every mission. I just end up thinking about what it's like being back home while I'm out here fighting for my life."

"You must really miss them. I'm sure your family feels the same way," she said with a sad smile while gently running her fingers through his hair.

She couldn't entirely relate to his predicament, but she could try to understand and empathize.

His home was a physical concept—a place in which his family lived and waited for his return. That form of reciprocation was something she wasn't quite familiar with, but she knew that it existed. Her troubled life had caused her to project the concept of a home into the people she loved the most rather than objects. She was forced to build a home since her own was rarely stable, and so she built her home within Eren.

He was the last semblance of what was left of her family. In time, he became to embody what a true home was just by existing on his own.

She found herself building a home out of Bertholdt too, in the most proverbial sense.

Home was in the hands of someone who could comfort you, shelter you from the harsh realities of the external environment. Home was found in the ones you cared about the most. Slowly, she was beginning to see Bertholdt as her home too—if only she had the flourish to tell him this heart-to-heart. For now, she would remain silent until she could finally bear her heart to him fully.

"Well, I do miss them...But, even though I get homesick from time-to-time, I don't think I regret becoming a soldier...Had it not been for that, I would've never met you."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Of course I do," he said with a genuine smile.

She looked out towards the lake and watched as the waves continued to rise and fall, sparkling under the sunlight with each movement.

She thought about the sea and wondered if it was as beautiful as this, or perhaps even more so. Gazing out at the view, with Bertholdt lying on her lap, made for a completely indelible moment—one she wanted to be immortalized. She didn't just want to be like this forever, with him by her side. Only, she wanted to be like this with him by her side, but by the sea, watching the waves crash on the shore.

She wanted so much.

"Bertl, maybe one day, we could see the ocean. Together," she declared softly.

He looked up to her and stared deeply into her eyes. Her heart fluttered and her face felt warm. All the meaning in the world conveyed through his green eyes with a look that spoke volumes. They were just two kids wanting so much from the world with so very little to make from it. With that empty void, they were able to cling onto each other, unfettered.

"Yeah, I'd like that. I'd like that very much," he beamed.

And they gazed out at the lake until the sun set into the horizon.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** I'm glad you guys are interested in welcoming this pairing. It is an unconventional one after all. I plan on making this a full-fledged, deeply nuanced, and fully developed story—so there will be a lot more to come. Thanks for reading.


	14. Chapter 14: Welcome to Your Paradise

**Chapter Fourteen: Welcome to Your Paradise**

* * *

The fever had worn off within a few days and in that time, Bertholdt was continuously making a steady recovery.

He spoke to his fellow 104th scouts more often than not as it would seem that the discovery of the wall titans was a source of much excitement.

When he wasn't constantly being bombarded with questions, he would find himself in bed with the last vestiges of his illness still desperately clinging to his body.

Mikasa would be waiting on him, hand and foot—always visiting him in the mornings to check on him and visiting after training or dinner. He appreciated her so much with the extra care she took in helping his recovery.

Reiner would always be accompanying him like always, followed by Connie who would tend to follow Reiner. And then Eren and Armin added themselves into the mix with Jean who often hung around Connie.

In short, the past few days had been filled with far too many interactions for his mental being to handle and thus, he had to take a step back and withdraw from the world.

Having to constantly communicate with others had mentally drained him and though he did appreciate everyone's kindness, he needed to be alone.

Since it seemed as if the commanders wouldn't be putting them on any mission rosters anytime soon, he decided to take a day off by walking to the lake on his lonesome.

He sat at the lake shore with his knees drawn to himself in contemplation.

He just wanted to ponder over some thoughts that had been festering since. Thoughts that mainly focused on the confliction he felt between continuing the mission or falling short and becoming one of _them_.

He had to make something of himself. _What was he—a warrior or a soldier?_

The government had conditioned him to perceive the Paradisian Eldians as monsters. They were the reason why his people were stuck in internment camps suffering while they lived in paradise behind these walls. _But that wasn't all, was it?_

Coming into the walls, infiltrating the refugee camps after their first mission in breaching Wall Maria, taught him more than simple propaganda could ever do.

These people were suffering just as much, if not more, than his own.

They constantly lived in danger of being attacked by Marley or being eaten by mindless titans and they lived under impoverished circumstances with little food as resource.

The worst part of it all, was that they were oblivious of the world outside the walls. They had no idea of their long withstanding historic and political conflict with Marley. They had no idea what titans were and of their conception. They had no understanding of the true world outside of their miserably censored lives.

These people were not the nefarious leeches he had once thought of them to be. Their existence had no correlation to his people's own suffering. All of the things that had been ingrained into his mind were slowing crumbling apart from their foundations. Nothing even made sense anymore.

Should he continue to follow the initial agenda with the knowledge of how the Paradisian Eldians really were? Or should he lose himself in the myriad friendships and connections he had made during his time here?

Empathy was a doubled edged sword for a warrior—it allowed him to understand the situation in a more nuanced view, however, it made him understand the way the Paradisians perceived the world. And with such a grim outlook, he couldn't help but take pity upon their plight.

He felt sorry for them. He pitied them.

And later on, with this pity being used as some driving force to rule out decisions, he accidentally fell in love with one of them.

Then suddenly, a small voice in the back of his conscious would snap him out of a different reality and tell him, _"Don't forget, you chose this life."_

This was a mission he was given since the day he was chosen as a titan shifter candidate. Though it may not have been his initial choice to facilitate Marley's agenda, he later on made the decision.

He kicked down that wall. He killed those thousands of people. He was a murderer.

It was he who had chose this life, to play the devil's advocate and continue to incite genocide among the Eldians within the walls.

He remembered when he was still a young boy, the tender age of ten, when he was allowed visitation rights from his parents. For one day only, the administrator's allowed he, Reiner, Annie, Pieck, and Marcel to travel back to their village.

It wasn't very much a village, because in technical terms, Liberio was an Eldian internment camp. Its denizens would much rather call it the village, just for the sake of pretense. No one wanted to address the internment zone for what it was.

No one wanted to stress the fact that they were systematically marginalized by the government they were supposed to call their own. That's why it was simply known as, the village.

When all five of them were allowed to return to the village, Bertholdt expected it to be happy—a joyous reunion.

However, he was wrong.

The conditioning they had undergone had tempered with their perceptions, the childlike wonder was long gone. The rich, green grassy fields of his farm were now dull and his mother's tea was too bitter. Home wasn't home. Not like before.

He used to stand on the rocks, he used to stand on the rock of Liberio edging near the turbulent waters to watch the sea push and pull against the tide with a sense of naïveté.

For that one day only, he remembered standing on the rocks of Liberio, on the cliffside overlooking the ocean.

He wore his frown like a crown, his lips curving downwards in perpetual sadness. Sad at the world. Sad at the spoils of war. He was ten years old and already worrying himself over life and death and war and peace.

It was awful really, asking for forgiveness a lot. Wanting penance for sins he had yet to commit but was ready to do without falter.

When he kicked down that wall, he realized, he didn't need God's forgiveness.

Now that he was here infiltrating the Paradisian troops, the situation became all too real.

Many nights he cried himself to sleep.

With every tear shed, each life he took could never be returned. But as he climbed the ranks, the desensitization process had wrung him dry of every single drop of remorse.

He could cry, but he ought to pick his battles. A few lost battles could cost him the war, and Reiner and he had worked far too hard thus far. He could cry, he knew he'd be fighting for the rest of his life.

But what was the point of wasted tears?

He made the choice. He offered Marley a life he would trade his heart for. Yet, he couldn't help but feel down at times. Each moment he spent with Mikasa had changed his life.

The love she inspired within him had altered his perception and with gratuitous relief, his heart clung to her. But with that, came the guilt.

Each moment spent with her was like heaven on earth from the malignancy of reality, but the slivers of contrition blunted the momentum of his joy.

He'd lay in his bed for hours staring at the ceiling. Always thinking.

The title of a warrior came with its most pernicious downfalls, the title of being a murderer was but one of many.

Mikasa would hate him if she ever discovered the truth. She'd hate him and he'd hate himself even more. He'd abhor his own existence, he'd despise every fiber of his being. But he would continue with the mission.

Someone had to get this blood on their hands. Who else would?

He'd reap what he sowed in the end. And he was prepared for that.

The voice of his conscious, with its taunting rise, would tell him over and over again," _Don't forget, you chose this life."_

As he glared into the lake waters, he thought about his most unfortunate circumstances. This was the life he chose, stuck between heaven and hell in a purgatory of his own condemnation.

 _Don't forget you chose this life. Laying in your bed, you reap what you sow. Don't forget, you chose this life. Don't forget. Don't forget..._

"Bertl?"

When he heard her voice, he was brought back to a different reality—one in which he was simply a soldier fighting for his life, just like the rest of them.

Like a shining beacon of light that illuminated the grey area of his self-inflicted purgatory, Mikasa strode in from beyond the lakeshore with a warm smile on her face. Her arms wrapped around him and it was as if the troubles had suddenly dissolved from her touch.

She spoke of the ocean. She spoke of her dreams. She spoke of her innermost thoughts and he found himself inching closer to heaven with each word. To see the vivid array of emotion conveyed through her eyes as she spoke so intensely made him fall deeply.

This was love. Heaven was encased within her arms like a gilded challis that wrapped around his soul. This was his life. Stuck in hell with his paradise by his side.

And as he laid his head on her lap closing his eyes to the soft lilt of her voice, he could hear his conscious calling out to him once more.

 _"Don't forget you chose this life. Welcome to your paradise..."_


	15. Chapter 15: Pink and White

**Chapter Fifteen: Pink and White**

* * *

 _"...Bertholdt...wake up..."_ A non-distinct voice reverberated through the empty consciousness of his mind. The voice was muffled, faint, only enough to be heard ephemerally like a soft breeze in the night. The black void he had been drifting endlessly through was beginning to disappear.

 _"...Bertholdt...wake...up..."_ The vast darkness was beginning to fade away slowly in exchange with the incommensurable color of something light, tinged with pink and white. Slowly, ever so slowly. Returning to the equilibrium and gaining reality once more.

 _"...Wake up...Bertholdt..."_

Sensation returned to his muscles and he could feel his fingers twitching, his body jolting. The void was becoming brighter and brighter, diaphanously so. Small specks of light emanated through the blackness like cracks in a wall crumbling slowly from its foundation.

 _"...Bertholdt...Wake...up._..Wake up...Wake up!" He jolted from his bed, eyes widening from the voice that had been calling out to him from across the room.

He blinked rapidly, trying to adjust his vision from the surge of light that assaulted his eyesight in copious amounts. Gathering his senses, he squinted his eyes to focus on where the voice had came from.

From the other side of the room, Reiner had been drowsily sitting up from his own bed with a fatigued look on his face as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. As he finally began to fully recollect himself, he suddenly noticed the soft, but steady sound of knocking against their door.

"Finally, you wake up. After how many times I called you," Reiner yawned. The knocks continued and he glanced at the door. "Aren't you gonna open it?"

Perturbed at having been unceremoniously woken up by his friend, Bertholdt frowned.

"Why do I have to? You woke up first," he grumbled as he pulled himself up from his bed and proceeded to shake off the lethargy with each step.

"Well, I was tired. I didn't want to get up," he heard Reiner halfheartedly reason.

"How do you think I feel?"

The blond rolled his eyes before falling back to his bed and turning over, throwing the covers above his head. "Just open the damn door..." he mumbled into the pillows.

When Bertholdt reached the threshold, he slowly twisted the knob and pulled the door open.

Much to his surprise, Mikasa had been standing on the other side, with two mugs of steaming coffee in her hand. The post-sleep fatigue that had surmounted his body had seemingly dissipated from the sight of her and he felt his mouth curving into a large smile.

"Oh, Good Morning, Mikasa," he said brightly before tentatively leaning forward and placing a kiss on her forehead.

Immediately from behind him, he noticed Reiner shoot up from his bed with a big grin.

"Morning, Mikasa," he greeted with a wave before giving Bertholdt a sly look.

"Good morning, Bertl, Reiner," she responded evenly before stepping inside. She followed Bertholdt as he led her to his bed and they sat down together. "I thought it would be nice if I were the one to greet you in the morning for once, since you're usually the one doing it for me."

"Thank you," he blushed as he allowed her to place one of the mugs in his hand. Internally, he was trying to calm his quickening heartbeat, too enraptured by the small gesture of kindness.

"I got you coffee, black, just like you usually drink it," she mentioned with a soft smile, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear as she did this. She then turned to Reiner. "I got you some coffee, too. I heard you like yours with cream and sugar, so I added some in the dining hall."

Reiner ambled towards them with his smirk still in place. "Thank you, Mikasa, you're the best," he chuckled while she handed him the cup. He took a sip before yawning a loud, reflexive sort of growl that reverberated throughout the room.

"Well, it looks like I'll just leave you two lovebirds alone. I'll take my coffee elsewhere," he announced before giving them one last smug look, wagging his eyebrows a bit. "Don't do anything too crazy while I'm gone, you hear?"

Mikasa huffed slightly before reaching over Bertholdt to throw a pillow at the blond. In response, the burly boy simply caught it and laughed in good nature as he made his swift exit, tossing the pillow on his bed.

Bertholdt gave her an apologetic look as they watched Reiner disappear from beyond the door.

"Sorry, he's just being difficult," he sighed before taking a sip of his coffee.

It tasted wonderful. A deep, roasted blend that was brewed just the way he liked it.

Usually, it was he who would bring her a cup of tea, as she didn't very much like coffee, every morning as he greeted her before her day started. He vaguely remembered taking his coffee with him once when he went about in greeting her good morning just like he always did. She noticed it, but he never really thought she would remember just exactly how he took his coffee.

It was fascinating how observant she was when picking up his preferences—as if she possessed some sort of eidetic memory that was attuned to each and every one of his quirks.

"Thanks for the coffee," he said before fully gulping it down and placing the empty mug on his bedside.

"You're welcome."

He reached out to grasp ahold of her hand, rubbing her palm with endearment and she weaved her fingers to close around his.

They both gazed out the window, observing how enchanting the sky looked among the sunrise. With the sun barely peeking from the grassy hills, the vast scape of the sky was tinged pink, orange, and white. The kaleidoscope of natural light bound together in a delicate symphony of color chained to the clouds above.

With one last glimpse, he allowed himself to fall back onto the comfort of his covers, still exhausted from getting very little sleep the night before, and burrowed under the sheets.

He closed his eyes and sighed dreamily.

Beside him, Mikasa shifted as she shrugged the jacket she had on and folded it on the bedside table. Peeking one eye open to peer over her, he observed her sitting upright and gazing out the window deep in thought. She looked absolutely breathtaking even in his sleep-riddled eyes.

Noticing his burning gaze, she smiled and fixated her attention on him.

"Come here," she gestured towards him before he pulled her down to lie with him.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, nestling into the crook of his neck. Skin to skin, their bodies melded together like one. He felt his body temperature rise from the feeling of her proximity and reveled in it.

For once, he was wholeheartedly comfortable with burying his face in her hair and holding her tight. They laid together in peace, allowing a comfortable silence to consume them as they basked in each other's warmth.

Together, they gazed out the window once more and watched the sun slowly rise from the horizon and into the heavens.

"It's beautiful," Bertholdt mumbled at the sunrise. "Can you believe it? Everyday, we pass through so many moments and time flies with thousands of sunrises and sunsets during our lifetime."

She nodded. "Yet, we'll never be able to experience every single sunrise that this earth has ever seen. We'll be long gone and probably dust in the wind and the sun will keeping rising beyond the hills. The earth will keep spinning."

Mikasa then shifted underneath his hold and grasped his hand again, lacing her fingers with his once more. "It reminds me when I was little—I used to ask my mother why days would pass by with the beginning of the sun rising and then setting. I used to wonder why it was endless. My mother had this saying, you know, about the sky and the sunrise."

"What was it?"

"She said, that's the way everyday goes, every time we have no control. If the sky is pink and white, if the moon rises and the sky goes black. We will keep passing through days until we give out and turn into dust. The stars will keep shining, the sun will keep rising. Kneel down to the land and kiss the earth that birthed you, your existence is the will of nature and contingency. Thank the divine powers for such a blessing...She was...very poetic like that."

He nodded his head and closed his eyes. Her words resonated within his mind.

Mikasa was one of, if not, the most insightful person he had ever met. She showed him so much through simple observation; wove her words to be both profound and poetic enough to speak volumes, altering his perception about the world around him.

Everyday he felt as if it were a learning experience and each time he interacted with her, he felt himself constantly developing. She showed him so much. She showed him love, like a glorious light from above shining down and awakening him from some deep-seated slumber.

"Despite it all, I'm glad we get to pass through our days together," he replied quietly.

She looked deeply into his eyes and he swore he could see the world in them. Slowly, she leaned towards him and kissed the side of his jawline in response—inciting an itch of need to spark across his skin. His heart raced, fingers trembled. He was absolutely smitten.

She yawned before stretching her arms a bit. "You know, I'm still a little tired. I didn't get enough sleep since Sasha accidentally drank too much with Ymir and snored the whole night."

Bertholdt laughed. "Really? That girl can be a handful sometimes."

"Mhm," she hummed before turning her head towards him to meet his eyes. "You know what?"

"What?"

"Let's sleep together."

He yelped in response, sitting upwards from the bed as the bedsheets fell below him.

A million thoughts buzzed through his mind, namely forbidden ones that he could not dare to even delve in further. Sweat trickled down his forehead, cooling the flourish of steam that he was desperately trying to not let out. Skin burning, the itch of need crawling up and leaving searing marks on the back of his nape.

 _He had no right to think such thoughts. He had no right..._

"W-What?" He managed to say with a shrill.

"Let's sleep, right here. Just a quick nap. It's still quite early, the sun has barely risen," she yawned, pulling him back to the bed to wrap her arms around him and lay her head on his chest. "Just give me two, three hours tops. That's all I ask, Bertl."

"O-Okay," he said stiffly, relief washing over him at the realization of his false implications.

He watched as she nestled into his chest, right above his heart, felt the puffs of breath she left on him each time she exhaled. Soon her breathing evened out, and sleep invaded her senses as her body relaxed on him.

He stared at her for so long, wanting so badly to stay like this forever.

Asleep, Mikasa didn't wrack his nerves as much as she usually did. So much different, less intimidating when she was awake.

She was all light clouds and still waters. A thin, wispy thing with obsidian hair, grey eyes, and porcelain skin, smooth and diaphanous like the ivory pyxides from the ancient annals of time. While her delicate features, now relaxed, were like a classical sculpture. The face of a Madonna, an angel on earth.

Every waking moment, she was always breathtaking to him.

He held her closer to his chest and kissed the crown of her head.

Closing his eyes now, Bertholdt easily drifted back into the black nothingness of sleep with a contented smile hanging on his lips. With his arms wrapped around her, he felt as if he were cradling heaven.

* * *

He woke up with the best sleep of his life.

Idly, he opened his eyes, a little displaced, feeling like he was back home in the comfort of his bed. And then he realized, he wasn't. The ceiling was different, his bed was a little stiff.

He was still in Paradis, still in the scouting legion castle, still in his shared room.

But as he readjusted his bearings, he realized there was much more to it—Mikasa had been slumbering by his side. Why did he feel so at home?

By his side, she squirmed a little before opening her eyes. Drowsily, she rubbed at them and then fixated her gaze at him with a dreamy smile. He looked at her, with no words to say.

"Bertl," she called out softly. Sometimes she would say his name, just for the sake of saying it. But he never failed to respond.

"Yes?"

She stared at him for a moment, her eyes narrowed slightly, deep in thought. It was as if she was mulling something over, something that must've been important.

"You're the sweetest person I know. And while sometimes you can be a tad too shy, you make sure to be as honest with me regardless of your qualms. I've never had someone dote on me the way you do, your thoughtfulness is always appreciated. You showed me so much. You showed me that I have the capacity to feel emotions I never thought I could experience," she said with a yawn.

He didn't understand, why was she saying all of this?

Worried, he licked his lips and scratched his head. "Umm...?"

She grabbed him by the shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. He fidgeted uncomfortably under her piercing gaze, but couldn't find it in his heart to look away.

"Bertl, I love you," she said simply.

And the world stopped then and there.

It took him a few moments to gather his wits and understand the weight of her words. She had finally said it. She loved him too. She loved him.

Before he could even respond, she leaned forward and pressed her lips upon his.

There were sparks of electricity buzzing through his body in its entirety. A fire of relentless love and need blazed in the pit of his stomach as she moved her lips and swept her tongue over his.

The world stopped spinning, it was just the two of them.

Lips upon lips, hearts palpitating in a maddening rhythm. Something deep inside him, coiled, with the need to press his lips upon her skin and so he did. His lips trailed off to the crook of her neck, he licked the soft skin, tasting her.

Every fiber of her being was utterly intoxicating.

She leaned her head back, her mouth opening slightly as he continued to leave kisses upon her neck. His hands roamed her body to their own accord and he felt her ease into his touch as he ran them up and down her arms.

She said his name and the fire that had steadily been burning in embers ignited anew. His hand brushed against the bare skin of her torso and she squeaked.

He immediately broke his attention, eyes widening in fear. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't..." he fumbled out.

She stilled him and wrapped her hand around his. "No...It's...It's okay," she said huskily.

Her eyes were darker, something burned behind them that he couldn't discern. Slowly now, she brought his hand towards her and placed it back on the bare skin of her waist. His heart raced. He felt like he had died right then and there.

Suddenly, the door burst open and they reflexively pulled apart. A surge of disappointment swept over him as he broke apart from her and he noticed a frown appear on her face. The moment was ruined. From beyond the door, Reiner stood with a grim expression.

"Thank God you're still here," he said breathlessly.

"What's wrong?" Bertholdt queried, not quite understanding the other boy's frantic expression.

Mikasa herself had taken on a more stoic look, preparing herself to listen to the blond.

With a grunt, the blond stepped inside quickly, sweeping towards his nightstand where his uniform lay.

 _"Wall Rose has been breached."_


	16. Chapter 16: I Don't Need Your Honesty

**Chapter Sixteen: I Don't Need Your Honesty**

* * *

"You can't be serious," Bertholdt said frantically.

"It's true," Reiner replied. "I have no bloody idea how Wall Rose could have possibly been breached, but according to the commanders, it has."

"How...?"

Mikasa watched as Reiner shook his head with a grim expression. The boy hastily grabbed his uniform and was in the process of throwing it on. She turned towards Bertholdt and squeezed his hand gently before climbing off the bed to stand.

"How has Wall Rose been breached?" Bertholdt repeated, he was growing more frantic with each passing second.

"Titans have been spotted a little ways south of Wall Sina, meaning Wall Rose has fallen. There's no further information on as to how it has been, all I know is that we have to act fast. I was with Connie, Armin, and Sasha when one of the officers told a group of us that the commanders alerted the scouts," Reiner grunted as he shrugged his jacket on.

He fixated his gaze upon Bertholdt who had been silenced in shock. "Bertholdt, Lieutenant Nanaba told me that we are requested to travel with another unit of soldiers to rescue any remaining villagers around the area," he then turned towards her," Mikasa, Armin was summoned by Commander Erwin to meet with Major Hange and Corporal Levi. He wanted me to tell you that you were requested too."

Bertholdt furrowed his brows. "Wait, so, we weren't all—"

"Orders go as followed, Bertholdt. You and I will be joining Sasha, Connie, Ymir, and Krista with the veterans as a search-and-rescue unit. Mikasa will be joining Eren and Armin with the commanders," Reiner finished off as if reading Bertholdt's mind.

"We have to leave immediately. Recon will be at the stables, we'll be given more directives by our squad leader once we join the rest."

"B-But...Mikasa—" he turned towards her with a bemused expression. She knew that he wanted to stay, she knew he wanted to simply be with her because she wanted so badly to do the same.

She watched him gulp, with very few words to speak, much less articulate. With a newfound fervor, she gently squeezed his hand in reassurance once more.

"It's okay, don't worry. We'll see each other within a few days. For now, all I ask of you is to take care of yourself," she whispered before leaning forward to kiss the tip of his nose. "When we get back, we'll have more time."

He blanched. "But..."

"Go, Bertl. You have to meet up with your unit. There's no time."

She knew that was all he wanted— _time._ Their heartfelt moment had unceremoniously ended far too quickly and she had a myriad words still left unsaid. However, as a soldier, their duties to humanity were far more paramount than amorous delusions. All the things she wanted to say, _to do_ —those words would have to wait.

"W-What about you?"

"Look, I'll find you before you leave. I promise. Chances are, the scouting units will be departing within the same timeframe and I'll try to meet you at the stables before you leave."

"Are you...Are you sure?"

"Yes, I promise," she smiled, but when she saw his countenance, she faltered.

The poor boy looked absolutely miserable—pleading green eyes and a rigid frown that lined the corners of his lips run taught. From the looks of it, he didn't want to leave her side. He'd been fidgeting with the arm of her sweater the entire time, she could feel his anxiety pouring out like plumes of smoke.

In the most diminutive of voices, he bowed his head forward enough for only her to hear. _"...But I don't want to leave you..."_ he whispered and she just about lost it there.

Gripping him fiercely by the shoulders, Mikasa forced him to look her straight in the eye. Piercing grey as cold as steel met with viridescent orbs in a clash of unspoken promises. She had so much to say, but their was so little time. With that need to spill her heart out, a drawn breath away, she closed the gap between them.

Her lips met briefly with his. The kiss, though transient at best, was concise enough to reveal the spectrum of emotions she could no longer articulate soundly.

A thousand words to say, but only a infinitesimal amount of time to speak. She could only hope he knew how deeply she felt for him.

"It's okay, Bertl. We'll see each other soon," she whispered as they broke apart.

Her eyes peered at his bedside where she had laid her outerwear earlier and she reached over. The red scarf lay precariously off of her jacket, folded neatly as it was her most prized belonging.

When she came to possess it, it was a symbol that signified one of her most vulnerable times to which Eren had gifted it upon her. A young child, she had just lost her parents and had nowhere to go. Absolutely lost in the world, Mikasa needed that empty space that was left from her parents departure, to be occupied once more. The Jaeger family had done it—the scarf was but a testament of this. It was love. Like a lost soul, thrown into the jumbled heap of malignancy that plagued this world, she needed that physical article to project all her hope in.

At this time, it seemed that Bertholdt needed that too. That look in his eyes, it was the same look she remembered having all those years ago. _Mikasa saw herself in him._

"Bertl, here take this," she murmured before wrapping the scarf around him. "It'll be cold during the night, this will keep you warm."

He stared at her with wide eyes, his hand trembled as he held the scarf between his fingers. She saw the world in his eyes and it told her that the gesture was more than appreciated.

"Thank you," he said with a shaky voice, holding the scarf as if it were the most sacred thing in the world. "I'll keep it safe until I see you again."

With one last embrace and a few hushed promises, Mikasa bid him goodbye and swept away from the room.

 _Come hell or high water, she was prepared to see this through._

* * *

She was running.

Her heart was beating in palpitations, adrenaline coursing through her veins as she picked up momentum. Her muscles flexed, sinews stretching. With each time she pumped her legs faster and faster, she could feel the steady flow of blood rushing through her veins, feel the nodules in her knees pulling and stretching as she thrust each leg forward. She was getting closer now.

The castle was frantic, soldiers hustled through the halls from the uproar of the commander's announcement. Titans were spotted South of Wall Sina, that meant that Wall Rose had been compromised. Several squadrons had been deployed already and the remaining soldiers were scrambling about to find directives to follow. Luckily, Reiner had told her that Squad Commander Hange had summoned her along with Eren and Armin to meet with Corporal Levi at the armament.

Unfortunately, she had to part with Bertholdt for the time being as he was ordered to form along a search-and-rescue squad with Reiner, Connie, Historia, Ymir, and several other veteran officers. Though her morning was sweet, she had other matters to attend to. Perhaps afterwards, they could pick up on where they left off, but that would have to wait.

Having geared herself up as quickly as possible, Mikasa was currently sprinting to the armament. Veering off another corner and exiting the castle gates, she managed to reach the chamber. As she entered, she was met with Eren, Armin, Commander Hange, and Corporal Levi.

"Took you long enough, Ackerman," the corporal intoned as she took her place in between Eren and Armin.

She mumbled a halfhearted apology before Commander Hange spoke up. The squad commander had been studying some files in her hands, before she fixated her attention to address the entire group.

"As you all must know by now, Wall Rose had been compromised. Several titans have been spotted south of Sina and Commander Erwin has already deployed a few squadrons to locate the breach, along with search-and-rescue teams to search for any remaining civilians across the villages near the wall," Hange spoke after clearing her throat," I know...You all must be itching to go out too, but Commander Erwin has delegated for Corporal Levi and I to lead a Special-Ops squadron to the breach. Specifically, you three."

"Why us?" Eren blurted out.

Corporal Levi rolled his eyes. "Well, isn't it obvious, brat? Erwin picked all three of you deliberately. Who else could possibly transform into a titan? Much to my disdain, you three have proved that time and time again, you are all valuable assets to the survey corps," he scoffed. "Besides, among your class, we can't really trust the others. Especially those two cadets we brought along with you on the last mission."

The other two—was the corporal implying Reiner and... _Bertholdt?_ "What do you mean?" Mikasa felt herself querying.

Hange cleared her throat before shuffling the files in her hands. "Cadets Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover," she read aloud. "As of recently, I did not think of them to be characters of suspicion, however..."

"What? What are you talking about?" Eren interjected, his visage alit with dubiety.

Mikasa for the most part shared equal amounts of his uncertainty as she listened intently to the squad commander. Why would Bertholdt be considered a _"character of suspicion?"_ There couldn't possibly be any evidence to warrant any incertitude of Bertholdt's merit as a soldier. She knew him like the back of her hand...If he had been keeping any secrets, he would invariably tell her... _wouldn't he?_

"I was finally able to get my hands on the background report for Annie Leonhart. It's taken so long to get because managing these reports is such a mess right now—" Hange perused through the files before pulling out three papers "—according to this, there were two others belonging to the 104th Cadet Corps who came from the same area as her. And it would seem those two are Braun and Hoover. Thanks to the chaos five years ago, pretty much all of their family records are spotty or missing. However...during the long-range scouting formation on the 57th expedition, their unit was given false information. They were among those purposefully told that Eren was in the right wing."

Mikasa felt as if her quickening heartbeat had suddenly stopped. Her chest hurt. _It couldn't be true, could it?_

"The Female Titan attacked from the right wing!" Armin affirmed.

She looked at him, knitting her brows together in bewilderment. "So, what are you trying to imply?"

"That it's possible they passed on the information to Annie..."

"Hey, hold on a minute, Armin," Eren began," You can't just—"

"I know that, Eren," Hange interposed. "By itself, that's not enough to prove anything...So, just in case, I'd like to hear from you about how those three interacted during training. Know anything?"

"...I know Reiner and Bertholdt were from the same place, but they didn't seem close to Annie," Armin admitted.

"I agree. I don't recall seeing those two talking to Annie that much...But, Mikasa—she's been close to Bertholdt. They were...uh, together," Eren said before turning towards her. "Right, Mikasa? If Bertholdt had anything to tell you, he would've."

"I don't know...He never really said anything about Annie or his hometown." Her voice was weak.

When she attempted to recall some of their memories together, the stories of his childhood and his hometown had always been vague, never really divulging too many nuances. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, nothing was making any sense. Bertholdt had told her he loved her too many times to count, wasn't candor an integral part of love? If he had something to tell her, he would have. _Wouldn't he?_

"As their comrade, I'd find it hard to believe," Eren continued. "Set aside Bertholdt, who doesn't even say much. Reiner is like everyone's big brother, I don't think he's devious enough to deceive all of us."

Armin nodded. "I agree. Reiner gave everything he had fighting the Female Titan with me. He would have gotten crushed in her hand if he hadn't—" he faltered, eyes widening as if in realization. Both Eren and she knew this look, they knew Armin had something to say. There was something else.

"What?" Eren questioned.

"Reiner managed to escape, but...Annie suddenly changed her course...and ran in the direction of Eren. I did mention that Eren might be at the center of the rank...But, Annie was too far away to possibly hear."

 _No, it was impossible. This couldn't mean..._

"Seriously?"

Hange narrowed her eyes as she scratched her chin, mulling over the new information. "Did Reiner seem overly interested in Eren's location?"

Mikasa watched as Armin's eyes flickered back and forth, she knew for a fact that he was meticulously analyzing his memories. The boy was always precocious like that. And when he hypothesized things, chances were, he was indefinitely right. But for once in her life, she didn't want him to be.

"It can't be..."she heard him mutter to himself. "I only started talking about Eren's position because Reiner was the one who asked about it first. Furthermore, when that happened, the Female Titan was staring at her palm. When he escaped from being crushed...He may have written a message with his blades in her hand. Reiner could've..."

 _No, it was impossible._

"What the hell?" Eren questioned, but his voice died off in the silence of the room.

"Why...Why are you saying things like this?" Mikasa felt her voice trembling. She just couldn't believe what Armin was saying. It couldn't possibly be true.

The room was suddenly thrown into an agonizing silence, too tense for words.

"Alright, everyone listen up!" Hange bellowed. "Suppose if we find Reiner and Bertholdt, act in such a way as to not reveal any suspicions. Of course, do not make any mention of Annie Leonhart either. Regardless if they're Annie's accomplices or not, we need to lead them deep underground and confine them. Does everyone understand?"

Eren and Armin nodded in ardor, whereas she could only agree weakly.

She still couldn't believe what she was hearing, it just made absolutely no sense at all. Bertholdt was the kindest person she knew, he couldn't be conspiring with an enemy to mankind. He couldn't be a murderer like Annie. She loved him too much to believe any adverse implications thrown at his character, it couldn't be true.

"Alright, now that we have that out of the way. We must discuss the mission objective in hand..." Hange began and the topic of Bertholdt and Reiner had dissipated from the conversation as briefly as it was brought up.

"Eren," Commander Hange said solemnly as her hand reached out to grip his shoulder. "Wall Rose has been breached, we cannot afford to allow another piece of territory to fall into the hands of more titans. We need to close that wall."

"...Okay, but what can we do about it?"

"Before Annie Leonhart was captured, she was able to crystallize herself in an impenetrable material—do you remember?"

With a pained expression, Eren nodded his head. "...Yeah, I remember..."

"That same material is what makes up the walls that protect all of mankind's territory. And only can that material be produced by titans," her gaze zeroed in on Eren once more," Eren, I need you to close that wall. Your Titan form, could it perhaps have the ability to harden like Leonhart's?"

"I...I don't know..."

At this point, Mikasa could not bear to listen anymore. Her mind was too fixated on Bertholdt and the possibility of treachery. That couldn't be right, using his name and the act of treason within the same sentence felt completely wrong. Bertholdt would have told her if he kept any secrets, she was sure of it. Perhaps all the suspicion was merely an outlet to project all of the Survey Corps problems to, perhaps they were simply using them as scapegoats. _Perhaps..._

It just didn't make sense.

* * *

Before their departure, Mikasa hastily made her way to the stables. The search-and-rescue units were in the midst of heading out and she scrambled to find Bertholdt.

She had a million thoughts buzzing in her mind, all jumbled, scattered with no coherent thought-process behind them. All she could think of was her conversation with the commanders and it festered within the deep recesses of her brain like an ugly wound, unwanted and painful.

When she found him she had quickly grasped his hand and shoved him in a corner, ignoring the consternated look in his eyes.

 _"Bertl,"_ her voice was solemn.

Noticing the taught lines in her face, he frowned. "Mikasa, w-what's wrong? Are you okay?"

She nodded, still trying to keep her thoughts at bay. The pressing matter of Bertholdt and Reiner's potential treachery remained at the forefront of her mind, however, she could not show her suspicions. Nevertheless, she couldn't believe her suspicions either. He just couldn't be.

"Stay safe. Watch your guard...and please come back in one piece," she said wholeheartedly.

Despite her past conversation between her commanders, she couldn't allow some fallacious information to cloud her reasoning. She still loved him, that much was true.

"I promise," he smiled slightly before bending down to place a chaste kiss on her head.

She wrapped her arms around him, desperately. She wanted so badly to not believe what everyone else was saying.

Quietly now, Mikasa spoke in almost a whisper. _"Bertl, if you were keeping something secret, would you have told me?"_

She felt him tense under her touch.

"O-Of course, I would. I'd...never lie to you. I love you."

Though her cognitive processes were currently in turmoil, her judgement clung to these words. She knew there was more to it, but she wanted to continue to believe him. Mikasa trusted him with all her heart and if what he said was true, then perhaps there was nothing to truly worry about...

She gazed into his eyes one last time, vehemently trying to read something. All she could see was love, the world was rose-tinted in his eyes. She prayed that it would stay that way.

"Goodbye," she whispered. "I'll see you soon."

With one last embrace, they had broke apart and she watched with glassy eyes as he rode away into the forest with the last of his unit.


End file.
